Stand Together Against Blaming and Shaming Parents

My little loves. 

I’m an imperfect parent. I have made mistakes. None of those mistakes were made because I didn’t care about or didn’t love my children. I made them because I am an imperfect human. I would guess strangers who watched me parent my children through a brief glimpse of me at the baseball field or a dance recital might have differing opinions of me. Some might guess I was a strict parent. Others may have seen me as a helicopter parent. And, others may have pegged me as a pushover parent. They made an assumption in that moment, based on a tiny peek into my life.

My stepfather always says, “Everyone is doing the best they can.” That is the truest thing about being a parent.

One time when I was on vacation in Florida with my then-husband and 2-year-old son, we visited an outlet mall, a Levi’s store in particular. Sam was at my feet, or holding my hand, or jumping up and down, right there with me. Then, I looked away, and he was gone. I didn’t panic, but got down to his level and started looking through the nearby clothing racks. After five minutes without finding him, I then started panicking. I started walking faster through the store, found Sam’s dad, and we both begin looking. No Sam. I then went to the front of the store to find the manager and the clerks to beg for help finding my baby son. I was tearful and trying not to totally lose my cool. Then, suddenly, my then-husband found him, hiding among the racks, oblivious to my fear, just playing a game. I lost him for about 10 minutes.

Another time we were on vacation at SeaWorld in San Antonio. This time, I had my 8-year-old son and my 4-year-old baby girl. In the middle of SeaWorld was this huge jungle gym type-thing (think McDonald’s PlayPlace on steroids). The kids started through the contraption on one end, and came out the other side. I allowed my kids to go through it, telling my son “Hold your sister’s hand.” I watched them enter, then immediately walked to the exit to wait for them. Soon enough, here comes Sam but Molly was nowhere in sight. I asked him where she was, and he didn’t know. I waited and waited, and she didn’t come out. Overwhelming fear. There were tons of people and children there. I held his hand and started running around the jungle-gym thing, looking everywhere, calling her name. I was having trouble breathing, and then I looked up. There she was, running toward me, holding the hand of someone who worked at SeaWorld. She was crying. She had exited the jungle gym (probably through the entrance), didn’t see me or Sam, so she looked for someone “in charge.” Thank goodness she was always so precocious.

Do you think I was a bad parent? Do you think I was neglectful? That I didn’t love my children? I hope not. I hope you know that I am just a regular person, a simple loving mom. And, things happen. 

When Sam was assaulted, through no fault of his own or any fault of mine, I did blame myself. What had I done to lead him to this place? How could I have parented differently so he had never ended up at that place at that time? I sat in the hospital those first few days, feeling sick and faint, trying to make sense of the senseless. And, I went online and read comments from people who had heard about the story online or through the media. The cruelty I found there made me do something I rarely do, turn away from the news and social media. I had to delete comments from the GoFundMe page. I am thankful for all of you who were kinder and gentler during that phase. 

The reason this is on my mind is because of the all of the negative reactions I have seen online from the trolls and perfect parents berating and judging the mom whose child felt into the gorilla’s enclosure at the Cincinnati Zoo. It was an accident. Accidents happen. And, more recently, the grief-stricken and heartbroken parents of Lane Graves, who was drowned by an alligator at Disney World. My heart hurts especially for his parents, and I want to say this about that situation:

1. I’ve stayed at the Grand Floridian at Disney World. I’ve seen the lagoon. Never did I ever think there might be alligators in there. I am not from Florida, and alligators are not top of mind. I assumed it was man-made, and it was safe.
2. I’ve been to Disney World twice. Never have I thought there were alligators anywhere in the Park. I’ve never seen them there. I’ve never seen warning signs about them being there.
3. Disney sells itself on its consumer experience, branding their world as “the happiest place on earth.” Everything is planned for you, every detail is accounted for … this is not something that anyone would expect.
4. “No Swimming” has many interpretations: water isn’t suitable, no lifeguard on duty, and just “no swimming.” It didn’t say “no wading” or “beware of alligators.” The expectation is that a beach at Disney World is safe. That’s the mental model we all have when it comes to Disney.
5. If Lane’s parents thought for ONE SINGLE SECOND that there were alligators in that lake, they would not have let their child near it.
6. There are no perfect parents. And if you have never had children or raised a child or loved a child, it's best to keep silent. 
7. Never say, “my child has never been out of my sight” or “that would never happen to me” or “my child would never do that” because you will eat those words.
8. Sympathy is the only thing we need to be offering Melissa and Matt Graves. No one is feeling more regret, loss, pain, shock and horror than they are right now. Let’s send our prayers and love to these parents whose lives have been forever changed. Their new reality is heartache enough.
9. Bad things happen to good people. Good things happen to bad people. It’s the way of the world, and we can’t change it.

As parents, let’s support each other, help each other, feel for each other. We are all doing the best we can. 

A Seizure-Free Year for Molly

"Make your choice. Are you ready to be strong?" - Buffy, The Vampire Slayer

My precious daughter, Molly, has epilepsy. Thanks to good medicine and excellent doctors, we are celebrating a full year of her being seizure-free this month.

This diagnosis came as a shock to us. She did not have seizures as a child, or during high school. They started in college, and came with a vengeance ... grand mal with loss of memory and consciousness and without, at first, any warning signs. It was frightening for her, her friends and, of course, her family and me (mom) particularly.

Her first seizure was on May 4, 2014, as she finished working one of her many music events. This one was at Elvis' first house, as she was producing one of her Evening at Elvis' shows (an ongoing event she co-founded while at Rhodes College). Thank goodness her friends were there, and they stayed with her at the hospital until Dan and I could get to Memphis. After spending three days in the hospital, with me sleeping on a chair in her room, she was released ... and we knew nothing more than when she went into the hospital. She came home for a few days, rested, seemed to feel fine, and we hoped it was an anomaly. I felt that maybe she wasn't eating right, studying too late, working too much ... and it maybe it had just caught up with her.

Post seizure. Her poor little head. 

But it wasn't. She continued to have seizures during that year ... at work, at home, with friends. No singular cause was found, and she was falling and injuring herself. She had a seizure one time when she was home alone and injured her head by collapsing against a wall air vent. She had another seizure at work, falling and hitting her head against an old radiator. Again and again. She was in the hospital numerous times. It was very scary, and I felt helpless. And, it changed her life. She had to visit numerous doctors (trying to diagnosis or find the correct medicine), she could no longer drive (and that is devastating for a college student), and she was scared. I was scared too, and worried about her day and night. But, I also knew she was strong and I was there for her, and we would get through this together. The diagnosis was finally, just, seizure disorder or epilepsy with no known cause. Epilepsy is an abnormal surge of electrical activity in the brain, causing temporary brain dysfunction. The doctors NEVER found any way to identify the cause. She now has a wonderful doctor in New York City, who specializes in helping young women with epilepsy.

So, there was a year of seizures, and now a year of freedom from seizures. She's shown she knows how to overcome, how to use her internal strength to move forward. She does take medicine every day, but she doesn't need to drive now that she lives in New York City. She's in a happy place. She's living her dream, a young, brilliant, beautiful and independent woman. She also remembered, later, that prior to having the seizures, she was having vertigo ... that knowledge is a blessing. Now, if she has vertigo or wakes up feeling dizzy, she knows to go back to bed to sleep it off. Take no chances.

Mary, Molly's long-time friend, and Molly in D.C.

Molly and I talk or exchange texts every single day. We are close, and even with the distance between us, we are closer. When she calls me, she always wants to Facetime, so she can see me, read my expressions, feel closer to home. When her brother, Sam, was injured and I was devastated, she called me and cried with me, for him. She was there for me and Sam, even when she had been through her own health struggles. My witty, smart, hard-working, sociable, caring, and strong daughter is such a blessing.

I've had my share of heartache and pain, and just plain fear and panic, in the past few years when it comes to my beloved children. If you are a parent, you know how much you FEEL no matter what it is that your child is doing, or what he or she is experiencing. It's a response like no other. Because of what I have been through ... I have been needed and appreciated more than ever by my children; I have been both stronger and weaker than I knew possible; I have been loved and supported by my family and friends; and I have been thankful for and dependent upon family, friends and strangers alike.

Dan, my long-time love, has been by my side throughout everything. He has never done anything but be supportive. I'm panicked and need to get to Memphis? He's driving. I'm crying every day in Portland? He brings a shoulder to cry on. I need some cheering up? He buys me a bike. And, it's not just me, it's for Sam and Molly, too. Sam and Bridget need their curtains hung? He's there, with tools in hand. Molly and friends need a night out? He picks up the tab. He's the best, and he has never shown me, Sam, Bridget or Molly nothing but love. Just a few days ago, Molly wanted to have all of her college papers retrieved from her old computer, transferred to a flash drive and sent to her. Guess who took care of it? Again, he's the best.

Karen, my dear friend and former boss (who is one of the strongest women I know) told me, after everything that happened with Sam and Molly, "Kelly, I'm sure now that there is nothing that can break you."

Maybe. Maybe not. I've felt so much love and support these past few years, and I can assure you that it's those around you who make the difference. If I didn't have the prayers, the support, the good thoughts, and the love from you all ... I'm not sure I would have survived all of this. But I did, I am, and I thank you all with much love.

Thank you for reading this blog and thinking of my sweet daughter and son.