Time Out (Update for February 21, 2016)

Sam enjoys lunch outside. 

Sam had a good day yesterday. He's been trapped inside so much that Bridget decided it would be a good idea to get him out of house to have some lunch. She said she was "spoiling him" with a special treat of oysters and lemonade. They sat outside at a restaurant in Portland called The Observatory, and enjoyed their time together. Sam still has fluid restrictions, but Bridget has this figured out, and easily keeps him at his 2-liter limit per day. 

Today, they were home relaxing. Sam slept in, and then they watched the Daytona 500. Knowing they aren't racing fans, Bridget jokingly said she wasn't sure why they were watching it. But, we all agree, whatever Sam wants. So, knowing that, they also watched The Brady Brunch and Sam questioned Mike and Carol's parenting skills. Nice. 

Tomorrow, he has an appointment with his neurologist. Then, one week from tomorrow, cranioplasty. Our family feels strongly that the real healing can begin after the surgery. As far as he has come, the road to full recovery will be easier when the surgery is complete. I will keep everyone up to date through his surgery next week, and through his recovery going forward. This blog does me good, and helps everyone share in this journey with my family and my son. It's an honest account of what I am feeling and what is happening. I am thankful for your support and prayers. It's made all the difference. 

I will be reaching out to the Portland Police Department next week. If there is any news to report related to the investigation, I will let everyone know through my blog. 

I've been thinking a lot about Sam's friends lately. I moved around a lot when I was a kid, and never really had those lifelong friendships. I wanted my kids to have that, and they did. They have roots in Arkansas and solid, loving friendships. I don't think that will ever change; their friends really are family to Sam and Molly. So many of their friends have went above and beyond to help them when they needed it. When Molly had her seizures in college, it was her friends who stayed by her side when I couldn't be there. Molly's friends took up a collection to pay for her trip to see Sam in a few weeks. Sam's friends, and their parents, have donated thousands of dollars to the GoFundMe account. Their friends are rock solid, and a source of happiness for me.

When Sam was in high school, one of his best friends, Nick B., passed away. Sam was heartbroken. Nick was a serious and handsome young man, tall and dark-haired. I was driving home from work, ignoring my phone, but when I pulled in the driveway I finally glanced at it. I saw that both of my children had called me and texted me numerous times. I walked in my house through my garage, and I heard Sam and Molly sobbing. They were sitting on the stairs, hugging each other. The next few minutes, after Sam was able to tell me about Nick, are hard to recall because the shock and grief were overwhelming. It was one of the saddest days I can remember, and the weeks that followed were difficult for all of us who loved Nick, both his friends and wonderful family. Sam and all of Nick's friends were devastated, and that feeling lingers. Nick was family. I'm thinking of Nick today, because he is what having a lifelong friend means. And, to Nick's parents Chris and Debbie, who have reached out to Sam during this time ... know that Nick was a good friend to Sam as well. 

Sam and friend Ellen in Montana, 2013.

Hunter, Richmond, Sam, Wilson and Nick, 2008.

Sam, Nick H., Sophie and Jeff, 2006 or 07.

When Sam was finally cognizant of his surroundings at the hospital, some of his first thoughts were of his friends. Did they know? Would I please call them? I called three of his closest friends from Arkansas — Jeff, Nick H. and Wilson. They all three were sitting by the phone, waiting to hear from me. Through tears, we talked and they just wanted to make sure Sam knew they loved him and were thinking of him. Sam was too emotional and ill to speak to them at that time, but now I believe he is texting them regularly. Whether Sam comes to Arkansas for awhile, or they go there, I believe time with them will help his recovery. I think I still owe Hunter, Cameron and Ellen a phone call. 

It's great to have friends that are family. I ordered some T-shirts for those who sit with Sam, when Bridget can't be there, to thank them ... the shirts say "Life is better with friends" and it is of course. You all are proof of that. My own friends and family have made this journey so much easier. And, I've made some new friends, even if it is through Facebook and email messages. I appreciate these new connections. Yesterday, I received a message from a mom in Little Rock named Jodi. I don't know her, but her words touched me and she called this moment in our lives an "unplanned time out" and that makes sense to me. For all of you, like Joni, who share your stories and your lives with me through email, Facebook and GoFundMe, thank you for making us a part of your lives. 

I want to thank Vie De Boheme and Heather Christie for auctioning off a bottle of wine at their Heartbreak Valentine's event and raising $175 for Sam and Bridget. 

Thank you for reading this blog, and for thinking of my precious son. 

Rest and Recovery (Update for February 19, 2016)

Sam is doing what he needs to be doing prior to his next surgery: resting, recovering and reading. He is spending his days with his "Sam Sitters," (Josie, in particular) Weezy and Bridget. He is happy, and his attitude is very good. He's been sending me funny and sweet texts. He seems a lot like himself. His recliner is doing its job.

Sam comfortable at home. 

The weather has been pretty dismal in Portland, but that's OK, as Sam gets time to rest and watch some TV. He and Bridget like The Great British Baking Show on Netflix. ANYWAY, today Sam was going to wash his head/hair again. It's a delicate job because of his injury. After that, he and Bridget were planning on taking a stroll around the block. It does him good.

I feel happier, and am finding joy in normal day-to-day things. I'm thankful for Dan, he makes every day better. I am anxious to see Sam, and am still worried every second of every day. But, I know he's getting better and stronger; I know his surgery is just around the corner; and I know I will see him soon (and Molly!). I'm heading to Portland on February 27. During my time there, I will blog regularly to keep everyone up to date on his second surgery and recovery.

My friends, family and those who have come to know Sam through this blog continue to check in on him almost daily.  Media reps still wants to talk to Sam (but that's not in his plans). He needs to focus on healing and resting, and I don't want him to be distracted or worried about anything else. Thanks to GoFundMe and the generosity of many, resting is a reality for him. It's an amazing gift.

Mark Twain playing cards. Thank you Jillian.

When Sam was younger, he loved to read books by Mark Twain. And many of his friends called him Clemens in homage. Jillian, a lifelong friend, classmate and neighbor of Sam's, remembered and sent Sam a special deck of cards. He has always made an impression on others with his love and knowledge of literature, and Jillian gave him a very special gift as a reminder of his impact.

Thank you for reading this blog, and for thinking of my sweet son.

Dizzy Days and a Typewriter (Update for February 15, 2016)

Sam didn't particularly want to go to therapy today. He's feeling so much better that it's easy for him to want to "skip" therapy, but he knows it's for his health and his future and it's important to go ... so he went. And it went great. He spent 3.5 hours with speech, occupational and physical therapists. He won't have to go back until after his cranioplasty on February 29. Then, he will continue with all three therapies to see what is better or different after that second surgery.

Although he is improving every day, he still is struggling with dizziness. Because this continues to be an issue, he will have to see a neuro-optomestrist as well as the audiologist. He also has to visit an ortho rehab doctor, to check on his injured ankle. Doctors and more doctors.

Bridget surprised Sam with a selfless and thoughtful gift for Valentine's Day, a typewriter. Sam and Bridget are old souls, and this is a perfect gift for a poet, excuse me, a "writer of prose" as he says. I asked Bridget if it actually worked, and she proved it to me (see photo). People of my age learned on a typewriter, but Sam didn't, he took "keyboarding" in high school. What's old is new to him. Writing on a typewriter takes determination; it's not easy to make a change. You better write what you feel ... and mean it ... because it's difficult to start again. Some of you remember that.

Sam's favorite picture. 

Sam is a talented, pure "writer of prose," a creative hoarder, rarely sharing his reflective musings. Molly writes easily of her life and feelings, an essayist with a gift for storytelling. There is power in their writing, and I hope they both will share more of it with the world someday. I wish I had their talents, but I'm a technical writer, a grammar nerd. They love words and books and poetry, and it's a gift.

Dad, stepmom, Dan, Sam and Molly.

I'm anxious to go to Portland at the end of February, to see my son and Bridget, my daughter who is joining us for a long weekend, and my dad and stepmom ... who have never met Bridget! It's going to be nice reunion, even under the circumstances.

Thank you for reading this blog, and for thinking of my sweet son.

Happy Valentine's Day to Sam and Bridget

Happy Valentine's Day. 

I thought it would be appropriate to share one of my favorite photos of Sam and Bridget, on this special day for sweethearts. If there has ever been a young couple meant to be together, it's these two. 

This photo, although I didn't know it at the time, was the last time I could hold onto any semblance of my control of his life. This is the photo I took of Sam and Bridget before they drove off to their new life in Oregon. I was saying goodbye, crying, and the look Sam was giving me in this picture is just so him ... a slight smile, soulful eyes, and a thumbs up to me for encouragement. I was glad he had his own dreams, and someone to share them with, but I selfishly wanted him to stay in Arkansas. 

Although the reason is gut-wrenching, I have been given a gift that few mothers ever receive. In the last month, I have watched the literal transition as Bridget took my place as the most important female in my son's life. I witnessed her devotion, and his vulnerability, firsthand. When he needed someone to hold his hand, it was Bridget who brought him comfort. When he was afraid, Bridget soothed him. When he needed a caregiver, she happily accepted the role.  

And, it makes my heart happy. I will gladly stand aside, and watch this sweet union from my appropriate place. My son has found his soulmate, and I cherish her as well. 

Surgery Scheduled! (Update for February 13, 2016)

No more wondering, but a little bit of waiting. Sam's cranioplasty has been scheduled for Monday, February 29. There has to be some irony (and joy) there somewhere in the fact we only have to really acknowledge that date once every four years. I will be returning to Portland for 10 days during that time. Bridget and Sam both feel like the next few weeks will be excruciating, all the waiting. They anticipate Sam will be in the hospital two days (down from the previous four-day estimate). Molly will join me in Portland after his surgery, as that is Sam's preference. And, my dad and stepmom will be joining us for a few days, too. I'm so glad he will be surrounded by family and love.

Sam is reading more and more every day, working to improve his comprehension. Bridget took him by his favorite store, Powell's Books, and bought him some magazines and a card game. Then, yesterday, he spent time reading every single message on his GoFundMe page. Every single message. He loved seeing the messages from high school classmates (and Bridget liked seeing the ones from hers, too). He read the messages from family and friends, including many new friends from the Packer nation. He was shocked by all the donations and kind words from people he doesn't know. He asked Bridget, "How could so many people care about me?" Previously, his understanding of the kindness of strangers was limited, and now it is overwhelming. Like his mom, Sam is grateful.

Loving his new recliner. 

And, in other news, the recliner is in the house. And, Sam is loving it. It was a gift from my mom and stepdad. Bridget is being very frugal with the GoFundMe money, paying rent and living expenses, and buying a few things to make Sam's life more comfortable. She knows the money is a cherished gift, and she honors the trust of many by spending the money as required ... to keep them self sufficient as Sam heals. So additional items they need (like the recliner), and costs (travel, etc.), are being covered by family. Sam didn't want me to have a picture for the blog, and that's a good sign. Sam has never liked to have his picture taken, or to be the center of attention. However, Bridget gave me one anyway. He looks so good. He's smiling.

Thank you Wendy. 

Bridget was having trouble getting Sam to wash his head, and that is totally my fault. When he had the staples in, and his head was swollen, bruised and tender ... and me knowing that part of his skull was missing ... I didn't want anyone to touch his head, no water on it, nothing. Sam heard me, and has kept that fire burning even though I am gone. Bridget had to resort to having the neurosurgeon telling Sam it was OK to wash his head/hair. Sorry Bridget.

Sam continues to improve every day, and focus on his reading comprehension. He goes back to therapy on Monday, and I will blog again on Monday evening ... let everyone know how it goes. I anticipate a good day for Sam.

My sweet friend Wendy bought me a Valentine's gift for my office. I love it.

Thank you for reading this blog, and thinking about my precious son.

Surgery News (Update for February 10, 2016)

Waiting at the doctor's office.

I was waiting anxiously to hear from Bridget today, hoping for good news with Sam's doctor visit ... AND no problems at all during Sam’s checkup with the neurosurgeon ... and his surgery will be scheduled within 3 to 4 weeks, depending on OR availability. This surgery will be to return his left skull flap, which is currently stored away at the hospital, back into his skull, and he will be whole again. The fact that I have to say that and think it AND that we are talking about my son’s fragile head is almost too much to bear. I am sad that I have to worry about it, but happy for modern medicine. We are anxious to hang up the helmet. I think he should forever think of it as a badge of courage, proving he is a survivor. 

These will be slowest weeks of my life, but this stage is really almost over. Then, he can focus on total healing which means resting, reading, walking and returning to his normal, beautiful life with Bridget. 

Sam and Molly. Clothes, my fault.

When I know the actual date of his surgery, I will be returning to Portland for the surgery and to stay some time afterward to help Bridget and Sam as needed. Other family members, still to be determined, also will be there. Most importantly, Molly will be there. I’ve said before that they have always been close, and it’s true. I never had trouble when they were little when I asked them to “hug” for pictures or attend each other's baseball games or dance recitals, and they always are anxious to see each other when they are apart. Tonight, Molly and I "Facetimed" for maybe 1 hour. She is so funny, just like her brother, and she always makes me laugh. I can't wait to see the two of them together ... they are hilarious. 

I almost didn't cry today, and that would have made this a pretty good week for me. But I thought about this awful situation one too many times when I was talking to my sweet friend Wendy. Someday when I think of my son, I won't think about how violence touched his life and changed it forever, but I will think of the books he is reading, the classes he is taking and the fun he is having on the coast of Oregon. I can't wait. 

I have to mention my place of employment one last time. I can't walk down the hall without someone asking me about my son. They know Sam, Bridget, Molly and Weezy by name. (They already knew Dan). They are obsessed with sodium levels, and wonder if Sam's recliner has arrived (it will tomorrow). They wait anxiously for news. They rejoice when Sam opens a book. They are even learning to love the Packers. They are living this with me, feeling my pain and moments of relief. I'm not sure there is another company that offers this same sense of family, of compassion. Arkansas Blue Cross, it's people and it's culture, is for real.

Thanks mom. 

I received a gift from my mom in the mail yesterday. It was my favorite dessert ... Oatmeal Carmelitas ... which was a perfect treat during this Valentine's Day week. 

Thank you for reading this blog, and thinking of my precious son. This journey continues, but there is hope for complete healing for Sam.

CORRECTION: I misspoke in my blog the other day when I said Sam's sodium levels had hovered around 135 when he was in the hospital. That was actually the high end, near when he was released. The majority of the time it was much lower, and that is why it was a cause for concern. Sorry about that. 

Frustration (Update for February 9, 2016)

Sam today. 

I didn’t blog yesterday because I got home late, and there wasn't much news. Sam had a good day yesterday. He rested all day, and he went to his PCP to check his sodium level (was unable to do it on Friday due to dehydration). Instead of doing it in his office, the doctor sent him to the Legacy Emanuel lab for the blood draw. 

So today, I waited all day for the doctor’s office to call with his sodium level. I ran out of patience about 4 p.m. Little Rock time, 2 p.m. Portland time. Bridget was in class, and Sam was hanging out with sweet "Sam Sitter" Josie, so I decided to try to get the information myself. I called EIGHT different numbers, per the wild goose chase every person I talked to sent me on AND ended up talking to the same person I called in the first place. She finally told me she would have someone call me back. I was frustrated because every doctor and nurse in Portland had me paranoid about salt, and his sodium level was unknown! 

Then, relief. The doctor's office finally called me back (6 p.m. Arkansas time) with the news that Sam's sodium level was 138. Normal range. The normal range for sodium levels is between 136 and 148. At the hospital, Sam's hovered around 135. Before his injury, in late December, Sam had his annual check-up in Arkansas. His sodium level at that time was 141. 

When Sam was in the hospital, everyone was attentive and caring. Now that he has been released, I am having a hard time finding that same consideration. It was hard to get information today. And, they have pushed his therapy out a week (until next Monday). And, they already switched his PCP from one to another. It's frustrating. 

Josie said he was a good mood this afternoon, and she and Sam were going to work on some “fuzzy posters.” Pretty sure that’s an art thing. I texted Sam that his sodium level was 138, and he responded "Yes!" We are all excited. 

Thanks Mom. 

The next big milestone will be later this week, when he goes to his neurosurgeon for his CT scans to check his brain swelling. If the swelling is gone, they could schedule his next surgery. If not, he will have to wait a few weeks and go through the CT scans again. So, prayers for SWELLING DOWN is what we need today. 

It's been very hard being HERE when he is THERE. I feel a little helpless. What makes it easier is all my great friends and family. My friends and co-workers Damona and Tracy sent me flowers to cheer me up. My long-time dear friend Ann sent lunch to my office yesterday with some fresh flowers. My friend Karen listened to me for 1.5 hours last night, and I only cried once. My mom sent Sam a Packers blanket. 

Thank you for reading this blog, and thinking of my son.

Thank you Damona, Tracy.

Thank you Ann.