Happy Valentine's Day to Sam and Bridget

Happy Valentine's Day. 

I thought it would be appropriate to share one of my favorite photos of Sam and Bridget, on this special day for sweethearts. If there has ever been a young couple meant to be together, it's these two. 

This photo, although I didn't know it at the time, was the last time I could hold onto any semblance of my control of his life. This is the photo I took of Sam and Bridget before they drove off to their new life in Oregon. I was saying goodbye, crying, and the look Sam was giving me in this picture is just so him ... a slight smile, soulful eyes, and a thumbs up to me for encouragement. I was glad he had his own dreams, and someone to share them with, but I selfishly wanted him to stay in Arkansas. 

Although the reason is gut-wrenching, I have been given a gift that few mothers ever receive. In the last month, I have watched the literal transition as Bridget took my place as the most important female in my son's life. I witnessed her devotion, and his vulnerability, firsthand. When he needed someone to hold his hand, it was Bridget who brought him comfort. When he was afraid, Bridget soothed him. When he needed a caregiver, she happily accepted the role.  

And, it makes my heart happy. I will gladly stand aside, and watch this sweet union from my appropriate place. My son has found his soulmate, and I cherish her as well. 

Surgery Scheduled! (Update for February 13, 2016)

No more wondering, but a little bit of waiting. Sam's cranioplasty has been scheduled for Monday, February 29. There has to be some irony (and joy) there somewhere in the fact we only have to really acknowledge that date once every four years. I will be returning to Portland for 10 days during that time. Bridget and Sam both feel like the next few weeks will be excruciating, all the waiting. They anticipate Sam will be in the hospital two days (down from the previous four-day estimate). Molly will join me in Portland after his surgery, as that is Sam's preference. And, my dad and stepmom will be joining us for a few days, too. I'm so glad he will be surrounded by family and love.

Sam is reading more and more every day, working to improve his comprehension. Bridget took him by his favorite store, Powell's Books, and bought him some magazines and a card game. Then, yesterday, he spent time reading every single message on his GoFundMe page. Every single message. He loved seeing the messages from high school classmates (and Bridget liked seeing the ones from hers, too). He read the messages from family and friends, including many new friends from the Packer nation. He was shocked by all the donations and kind words from people he doesn't know. He asked Bridget, "How could so many people care about me?" Previously, his understanding of the kindness of strangers was limited, and now it is overwhelming. Like his mom, Sam is grateful.

Loving his new recliner. 

And, in other news, the recliner is in the house. And, Sam is loving it. It was a gift from my mom and stepdad. Bridget is being very frugal with the GoFundMe money, paying rent and living expenses, and buying a few things to make Sam's life more comfortable. She knows the money is a cherished gift, and she honors the trust of many by spending the money as required ... to keep them self sufficient as Sam heals. So additional items they need (like the recliner), and costs (travel, etc.), are being covered by family. Sam didn't want me to have a picture for the blog, and that's a good sign. Sam has never liked to have his picture taken, or to be the center of attention. However, Bridget gave me one anyway. He looks so good. He's smiling.

Thank you Wendy. 

Bridget was having trouble getting Sam to wash his head, and that is totally my fault. When he had the staples in, and his head was swollen, bruised and tender ... and me knowing that part of his skull was missing ... I didn't want anyone to touch his head, no water on it, nothing. Sam heard me, and has kept that fire burning even though I am gone. Bridget had to resort to having the neurosurgeon telling Sam it was OK to wash his head/hair. Sorry Bridget.

Sam continues to improve every day, and focus on his reading comprehension. He goes back to therapy on Monday, and I will blog again on Monday evening ... let everyone know how it goes. I anticipate a good day for Sam.

My sweet friend Wendy bought me a Valentine's gift for my office. I love it.

Thank you for reading this blog, and thinking about my precious son.

Surgery News (Update for February 10, 2016)

Waiting at the doctor's office.

I was waiting anxiously to hear from Bridget today, hoping for good news with Sam's doctor visit ... AND no problems at all during Sam’s checkup with the neurosurgeon ... and his surgery will be scheduled within 3 to 4 weeks, depending on OR availability. This surgery will be to return his left skull flap, which is currently stored away at the hospital, back into his skull, and he will be whole again. The fact that I have to say that and think it AND that we are talking about my son’s fragile head is almost too much to bear. I am sad that I have to worry about it, but happy for modern medicine. We are anxious to hang up the helmet. I think he should forever think of it as a badge of courage, proving he is a survivor. 

These will be slowest weeks of my life, but this stage is really almost over. Then, he can focus on total healing which means resting, reading, walking and returning to his normal, beautiful life with Bridget. 

Sam and Molly. Clothes, my fault.

When I know the actual date of his surgery, I will be returning to Portland for the surgery and to stay some time afterward to help Bridget and Sam as needed. Other family members, still to be determined, also will be there. Most importantly, Molly will be there. I’ve said before that they have always been close, and it’s true. I never had trouble when they were little when I asked them to “hug” for pictures or attend each other's baseball games or dance recitals, and they always are anxious to see each other when they are apart. Tonight, Molly and I "Facetimed" for maybe 1 hour. She is so funny, just like her brother, and she always makes me laugh. I can't wait to see the two of them together ... they are hilarious. 

I almost didn't cry today, and that would have made this a pretty good week for me. But I thought about this awful situation one too many times when I was talking to my sweet friend Wendy. Someday when I think of my son, I won't think about how violence touched his life and changed it forever, but I will think of the books he is reading, the classes he is taking and the fun he is having on the coast of Oregon. I can't wait. 

I have to mention my place of employment one last time. I can't walk down the hall without someone asking me about my son. They know Sam, Bridget, Molly and Weezy by name. (They already knew Dan). They are obsessed with sodium levels, and wonder if Sam's recliner has arrived (it will tomorrow). They wait anxiously for news. They rejoice when Sam opens a book. They are even learning to love the Packers. They are living this with me, feeling my pain and moments of relief. I'm not sure there is another company that offers this same sense of family, of compassion. Arkansas Blue Cross, it's people and it's culture, is for real.

Thanks mom. 

I received a gift from my mom in the mail yesterday. It was my favorite dessert ... Oatmeal Carmelitas ... which was a perfect treat during this Valentine's Day week. 

Thank you for reading this blog, and thinking of my precious son. This journey continues, but there is hope for complete healing for Sam.

CORRECTION: I misspoke in my blog the other day when I said Sam's sodium levels had hovered around 135 when he was in the hospital. That was actually the high end, near when he was released. The majority of the time it was much lower, and that is why it was a cause for concern. Sorry about that. 

Frustration (Update for February 9, 2016)

Sam today. 

I didn’t blog yesterday because I got home late, and there wasn't much news. Sam had a good day yesterday. He rested all day, and he went to his PCP to check his sodium level (was unable to do it on Friday due to dehydration). Instead of doing it in his office, the doctor sent him to the Legacy Emanuel lab for the blood draw. 

So today, I waited all day for the doctor’s office to call with his sodium level. I ran out of patience about 4 p.m. Little Rock time, 2 p.m. Portland time. Bridget was in class, and Sam was hanging out with sweet "Sam Sitter" Josie, so I decided to try to get the information myself. I called EIGHT different numbers, per the wild goose chase every person I talked to sent me on AND ended up talking to the same person I called in the first place. She finally told me she would have someone call me back. I was frustrated because every doctor and nurse in Portland had me paranoid about salt, and his sodium level was unknown! 

Then, relief. The doctor's office finally called me back (6 p.m. Arkansas time) with the news that Sam's sodium level was 138. Normal range. The normal range for sodium levels is between 136 and 148. At the hospital, Sam's hovered around 135. Before his injury, in late December, Sam had his annual check-up in Arkansas. His sodium level at that time was 141. 

When Sam was in the hospital, everyone was attentive and caring. Now that he has been released, I am having a hard time finding that same consideration. It was hard to get information today. And, they have pushed his therapy out a week (until next Monday). And, they already switched his PCP from one to another. It's frustrating. 

Josie said he was a good mood this afternoon, and she and Sam were going to work on some “fuzzy posters.” Pretty sure that’s an art thing. I texted Sam that his sodium level was 138, and he responded "Yes!" We are all excited. 

Thanks Mom. 

The next big milestone will be later this week, when he goes to his neurosurgeon for his CT scans to check his brain swelling. If the swelling is gone, they could schedule his next surgery. If not, he will have to wait a few weeks and go through the CT scans again. So, prayers for SWELLING DOWN is what we need today. 

It's been very hard being HERE when he is THERE. I feel a little helpless. What makes it easier is all my great friends and family. My friends and co-workers Damona and Tracy sent me flowers to cheer me up. My long-time dear friend Ann sent lunch to my office yesterday with some fresh flowers. My friend Karen listened to me for 1.5 hours last night, and I only cried once. My mom sent Sam a Packers blanket. 

Thank you for reading this blog, and thinking of my son.

Thank you Damona, Tracy.

Thank you Ann.

Clothes and Books (Update for February 7, 2016)

Sam reading his Bob Dylan book from Rene.

Goodbye Clothes
When Sam was rushed to the hospital and then emergency surgery after he was assaulted, the doctors and nurses had to keep his poor, injured head immobilized, so they cut all of his clothes off of him. He had been wearing his favorite pair of pants, an Abbey Bar T-shirt, his winter coat, his absolute favorite hoodie that I had bought him a few years before, his new shoes, and his Green Bay Packers beanie. 

The clothes were placed in a bag and given to Bridget. We opened the bag a day or so later, while we sat on the floor of his ICU room, and cried over his clothes. Bridget was upset because he was wearing his favorite things and his brand new coat, and it was just so damn sad to see his clothes cut apart. I was upset for those reasons, and just thinking about my son — who doesn't care about clothes at all (like his mom) — having just a few favorite items and losing them all. I know that losing a few pieces of clothing is nothing in the bigger picture, but it was another moment of loss. It's hard to explain, even for a lover of words, how all of these moments stack up to something bigger and more tormenting. 

Sam, Molly and his favorite hoodie. I love this picture.

Although last week his father went shopping to replace some of Sam's clothes and his jacket, it was on my mind today because it was my responsibility to replace the hoodie he loved so much. The actual (right brand and look) hoodie is, sadly, no longer available. So, I asked Molly to help me. She spent time searching the Internet and found some that were very close and sent all the links to me, so I could choose the one to purchase. And, just this morning, I looked over all of them and placed the order. It took me three weeks to make the purchase. I just wanted to think about it. And, it's NOT the same jacket and it's NOT the one he loved, so Molly and I hope it will be enough. 

Hello Books

I texted Sam this morning with a "Happy Super Bowl Sunday!" I was anxious to see if he had any interest in watching football, something he has always loved. He texted me back immediately with some football and celebratory emojis. He watched the game, without cheering for either team.

 
But here is the best news ever. Sam and Bridget took a walk around their block today with Weezy. It was sunny in Portland, and he felt up to going outside. AND, he spent some time today reading. Not homework, actual reading. There's nothing in this world Sam loves better, and the fact that he felt up to reading is just everything. The more he practices, the easier it will become. According to Bridget, he was reading some Flannery O'Connor stories, and his new Bob Dylan book from my long-time friend and co-worker, Rene. 

My brother Jon called me today. He and Sam have always been close; they keep each other laughing. He has told my mom it's hard to focus on anything but thinking about Sam. It seems to the common thread throughout my family, and many of my friends. It's hard to think about anything else but Sam's recovery. What happened to Sam has numerous ripple effects, and all of our lives have changed. 

There are several more fundraisers for Sam coming soon, one on February 14 at Vie De Boheme in Portland (thank you Heather Christie) where they will have a raffle to benefit Sam and Bridget, and the Firkin Fundraiser on February 25 (thank you Billy Dye). I continue to be amazed at the love and generosity. 
It's been three weeks since I went to Portland and Sam was in ICU. The speed of his recovery continues to astonish me. It's a miracle. Thank you for your good thoughts and prayers; it's working. 

Marbles From A Drawer Digital Download

Bridget performing at Vie De Boheme. 

I still have a few more Pre-Release Digital Download CDs of Marbles From A Drawer (featuring "Bridgetown" - a song co-written by Bridget and her father, David) for those who email me (first 50) at kmwhitehorn@yahoo.com (put MARBLES in the subject line ). You will receive a digital download link from Blue Canoe Records. It's a musical thank you from David, Bridget and Blue Canoe Records (thank you, Joseph) to those who are thinking of and praying for Sam. 

Thank you for reading this blog, and thinking of my precious son. 

Bridget's Song (Update for February 6, 2016)

Sam and Bridget, fun times. 

Sam had a good day today. His attitude is wayyyy better than mine. Bridget said he was very focused on his "brain exercises." The therapists sent books home with him full of puzzles, memory games, reading ... and he spent the afternoon doing his homework. He is very motivated to return to his normal life, and I'm so proud of his attitude. He's getting stronger every day. He and Bridget spent the rest of the day resting at home. He has slept well the last few nights, no night sweats. 

Bridget has a gift for you. But first, the backstory.

Both of Bridget's parents are talented musicians. Music is a lifelong calling for both of them, it's what and who they are. (So, Bridget is doubly blessed.) Her mother, Maggie Kitson, is a songstress who currently has a band, "Maggie and the Kats" that perform at Sweet Basil's Cafe in Cannon Beach, Oregon. Watch Maggie here with Richard Thomasian. 

Bridget's dad, David Ellington, has spent many years recording and performing in New Orleans, and now in Atlanta. Get to know David here. 

David Ellington asked his daughter Bridget to co-write and perform on his upcoming CD, Marbles From A Drawer, and the result is "Bridgetown," a song about Portland. The CD isn't being released until April 29 by Blue Canoe Records, but here is a song on it for you today. It's beautiful, and it is David and Bridget's thank you gift to you for all you've done for Sam. 

BRIDGETOWN, FEATURING BRIDGET KITSON

Listen to Bridget here.

Beautiful Bridget

As you can tell if you have listened to her song with her father, Bridget is a talented musician, singer and songwriter, and she has put her hopes and dreams of a music career on hold while she cares for Sam. She was scheduled to perform with other local Portland musicians on February 14 at Vie De Boheme in Portland, but she has cancelled that performance. The show will go on, and there will be a raffle to raise funds for Sam and Bridget. 

I didn't know Bridget was a musician and singer when Sam first brought her home to meet me. She's humble, and Sam never mentioned it. Then, she walked into my living room, and noticed my piano ... forgotten and gathering dust from long ago piano lessons (not me, Sam and Molly). She was excited about the piano, and asked if she could play it. I said "Sure," and she sat there and played and sang the Stevie Nicks/Don Henley tune, "Leather and Lace." Perfection. When Dan, Molly and I went to Portland last summer, she sang a duet with her mom, "Angel From Montgomery." That is a special memory. 

Marbles From A Drawer Digital Download

I also have a Pre-Release Digital Download CD of Marbles From A Drawer to the first 50 people who email me at kmwhitehorn@yahoo.com (put MARBLES in the subject line). You will receive a digital download link from Blue Canoe Records. It's a musical thank you from David, Bridget and Blue Canoe Records (thank you, Joseph) to those who are thinking of and praying for Sam. 

Thank you for reading this blog, and thinking of and praying for Sam every day. 

Ups and Downs (Update for February 5, 2016)

I had a pretty good day at work. I went to a few meetings and laughed with friends a few times. Most of the day, I worked quietly in my office. My sweet co-worker, Julie, brought Valentine's candy to share, so I indulged ... twice. My boss was in a good mood. It felt like a pretty good day.

Bridget and Sam

Let me tell you about my 26-year-old son's day. He took his Tylenol and his salt pills. He had very little to drink because of the fluid restrictions. He took a shower, and he had to sit on a shower chair to do it. He carefully got dressed, put on his helmet and his non-skid socks and shoes and waited for his father to take him, and Bridget, to his doctor's appointment. At the doctor's office, they took lots of information about him, but then couldn't draw any blood to check his salt levels, because he was dehydrated from all the fluid restrictions.

That means in addition to his therapy on Monday, he has to go back to his PCP, after drinking half of his daily allotted fluid — per the PCP's direction — so he can hopefully have his blood drawn. Next week, he also has an appointment with an audiologist because he is having trouble hearing, and an appointment with his neurosurgeon to discuss salt, fluid and his next surgery. His ankle is still bothering him, bruised and aching but it is getting better.

Sam

So this weekend, Sam and Bridget will stay in, and focus on resting. They are a beautiful, mid-20s couple, who spend their days thinking about pills, pain, sleep, rest and his poor little injured head. They should be enjoying romantic evenings together, hanging out with friends, walking Weezy through the neighborhood ... just enjoying their young lives.

I'm so frustrated and sad. Bridget says Sam has "ups and downs, mostly ups." He should be UP all the time. He's a handsome, smart 26-year-old with a beautiful life! It's a gut check, knowing he has down moments. I feel like I had no right to one minute of joy today. I feel guilty for laughing and smiling even once. For every down moment my son has, the unfairness of it is tenfold. I know it should be OK for me to relax, but I don't want to when my son is injured.

Several people have said to me "I don't know how you do it" and "I don't know how you have returned to work." That hurts. I have a job that I love, and I want to keep it. But know that I'm not going to be sincerely happy again until my son is well. No matter what anyone thinks or how I am acting, my pain is real.

Between me and Bridget

Like Sam, I am having ups and downs (obviously), but today it's mostly downs. I'm sorry. Besides Dan and Molly, it's Bridget that keeps me sane.

But there is some news to be thankful for today, the Suds for Sam event at Saraveza Tavern and Bottle Shop in Portland raised $453. Thank you so much Kyle and the Packer Backers. A sweet blessing.

Thank you for reading my thoughts today. And thank you for praying for the healing of my son.