Ups and Downs (Update for February 5, 2016)

I had a pretty good day at work. I went to a few meetings and laughed with friends a few times. Most of the day, I worked quietly in my office. My sweet co-worker, Julie, brought Valentine's candy to share, so I indulged ... twice. My boss was in a good mood. It felt like a pretty good day.

Bridget and Sam

Let me tell you about my 26-year-old son's day. He took his Tylenol and his salt pills. He had very little to drink because of the fluid restrictions. He took a shower, and he had to sit on a shower chair to do it. He carefully got dressed, put on his helmet and his non-skid socks and shoes and waited for his father to take him, and Bridget, to his doctor's appointment. At the doctor's office, they took lots of information about him, but then couldn't draw any blood to check his salt levels, because he was dehydrated from all the fluid restrictions.

That means in addition to his therapy on Monday, he has to go back to his PCP, after drinking half of his daily allotted fluid — per the PCP's direction — so he can hopefully have his blood drawn. Next week, he also has an appointment with an audiologist because he is having trouble hearing, and an appointment with his neurosurgeon to discuss salt, fluid and his next surgery. His ankle is still bothering him, bruised and aching but it is getting better.

Sam

So this weekend, Sam and Bridget will stay in, and focus on resting. They are a beautiful, mid-20s couple, who spend their days thinking about pills, pain, sleep, rest and his poor little injured head. They should be enjoying romantic evenings together, hanging out with friends, walking Weezy through the neighborhood ... just enjoying their young lives.

I'm so frustrated and sad. Bridget says Sam has "ups and downs, mostly ups." He should be UP all the time. He's a handsome, smart 26-year-old with a beautiful life! It's a gut check, knowing he has down moments. I feel like I had no right to one minute of joy today. I feel guilty for laughing and smiling even once. For every down moment my son has, the unfairness of it is tenfold. I know it should be OK for me to relax, but I don't want to when my son is injured.

Several people have said to me "I don't know how you do it" and "I don't know how you have returned to work." That hurts. I have a job that I love, and I want to keep it. But know that I'm not going to be sincerely happy again until my son is well. No matter what anyone thinks or how I am acting, my pain is real.

Between me and Bridget

Like Sam, I am having ups and downs (obviously), but today it's mostly downs. I'm sorry. Besides Dan and Molly, it's Bridget that keeps me sane.

But there is some news to be thankful for today, the Suds for Sam event at Saraveza Tavern and Bottle Shop in Portland raised $453. Thank you so much Kyle and the Packer Backers. A sweet blessing.

Thank you for reading my thoughts today. And thank you for praying for the healing of my son.