Living Your Best Life; Overcoming Fear

Before I talk about living your best life and overcoming fear, here’s an update on Sam and Bridget.

Sam, photo by Bridget. 

Sam is doing well, still in school and working. Bridget just graduated from college (Portland State University) and is working part-time and looking for a full-time job. They may be moving to smaller community just outside of Portland in a few months, and Sam hopes to graduate from PSU in December. They recently took a trip through Wyoming and into Montana, camping and visiting friends along the way. In Montana, they were there with me and my new husband, Dan, and Molly and her amazing boyfriend, Andy. It was a happy time. They are doing well. 

In the past 3 months, I’ve gotten married, resigned from my job (and my husband retired from his), accepted a new job in Idaho (very far away from family and friends), moved, found temporary housing to live in, bought a house and now am trying to sell one. I’ve also been on 2 vacations, driven across the country, and said goodbye (maybe forever) to many people I love in Arkansas.

It’s been a busy few months. 

Arkansas work family.

Arkansas family. 

I knew leaving Arkansas would be hard. I knew I would be sad, and it was as hard and as sad as I expected. My work friends cried with me every day, my family cried, and I cried alone. 

But I had to take this opportunity to change my life, sometimes you take risks for unknown rewards. Sometimes you overcome your fear of the unknown to live a different, hopefully better, life. Dan and I always wanted to move to the Northwest, and this was our opportunity. Neither of my children were in Arkansas anymore, they were brave enough to take a chance on a different life, shouldn’t I be just as brave?

If you are afraid, do not be. Live your best life. I had a beautiful aunt who helped raise my mother and her sister. She lived her whole life in a small house, caring for her mother and her husband, never having children of her own. In her bedroom, in her dresser, she kept brand new clothes. She had suits, nightgowns, dresses … all with the tags still on. She longed to wear these nice things, but she knew she wouldn’t get a chance in the life she was living. She thought that someday, when her husband was gone (a husband I think she only tolerated), she would move to San Diego, live with her sister, and enjoy the life she always imagined. 

But, she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, suffered for several years, and eventually took her own life. She never got to live her best life. I always think of her when I am afraid … I wish she had lived her dream, that she had not been waiting for her circumstances to change to move forward. I wish she had not been afraid to change her life when she had the chance. 

Whether you want to change your life by getting a divorce or by getting married, living in a different place or finding a new job, having a child or adopting or fostering or none of those … Take the chance. Change your future. You will never know what adventures await if you don’t step out of your comfort zone and experience the unknown. 

I can honestly say I that I’ve never regretted any decision I have made to overcome a fear, to take a different journey. I would encourage you all to do the same. 

Living in Idaho brings me closer to my son, closer to my dad and happier in my life. My next goal is to get Molly and Andy closer. I recently spent some time with family, altogether in Montana, and I’m at peace with the choices I’ve made. I wish you peace, too. 

Being silly in Montana

Us in Boise, Idaho.

Family in Montana. 

Andy and Molly. 

Kiddos and Buckley. 

Buckley and Zoe. 

Family. 

An Unwelcome Anniversary Observed with a Grateful Heart

It's been a year today since Sam was assaulted. 

Last night my son was texting me right before his beloved Packers took on the Cowboys. He was giving me a countdown, "71 min away" until the game started. A year ago, he was doing the exact same thing ... texting me about the Packers as he left his home to join friends at a local bar to watch his favorite team play. This year, he watched it from his apartment in Portland.

Son Sam and daughter Molly, December 2016.

His life today, thankfully, is very much the same as it was prior to January 16, 2016. Yet, it's different.

Today ... I have so many feelings. Good feelings. Bad feelings. A few sad feelings. All of ‘em.

After he was assaulted on January 16, 2016, he spent weeks in the hospital, went to rehab, had two surgeries, went through outpatient therapy, has taken mind-numbing amounts of medication, spent months recovering and, thankfully, today is doing well. 

On Sunday, January 17, 2016, I woke up to missed messages from Bridget. Within a few hours, I was on a plane to Portland. It was a scary time, and I was looking for a little hope. I found it in small acts of kindness in the weeks to come. The first act of kindness in Portland was a cab driver who, after hearing that my son was injured, gave me a free ride to the hospital. Then, as Bridget and I sat by Sam’s hospital bed day after day, the nurse made us peanut butter and jelly sandwiches from his own lunch stash. Then, a young 49ers fan heard Sam’s story and bought him a Packers jersey. It is those little moments, those acts of kindness that have stuck with me, that make the story easier to tell, and has always made it easier to bear.

I have this habit, that I use both professionally and personally, that helps me get through difficult days. When things get tough or overwhelming, I try to imagine where I will be a year from that moment. I imagine that I will look back at the thing scared me, and realize I accomplished the task, got through it, made it work, whatever. I focus on one day at a time, until I can look back and know that I made it. That's what I did on that first day, and week, while Sam was in the hospital, I focused on where we would be a year from then, that we could get through it. Because no matter what, the next year was coming, and I couldn't stop time from marching on. 

Because today is what it is (and we made it through the year!), it is a day to celebrate that Sam is happy and healthy. He is back in school. He is enjoying the benefits of living in the beautiful city of Portland. He and Bridget are enjoying their new normal. The new normal is that Sam can’t drive (dizziness and a seizure) and he suffers from constant headaches. The new normal is daily meds. The new normal has also been time to recover, time to read, time to focus on being healthy, and time to enjoy family. (Thank you GoFundMe donors!). 

Today is also a day for me to reflect on why this happened and why the perpetrators haven’t been punished. I wonder if they ever think of Sam. I wonder if they care. I hate that I am angry, and I wish there was something that could make me feel better. Today, I am just waiting for some kind of closure in the case. Waiting. WAITING. It can be frustrating.

Bridget, Sam and Molly, December 2016.

Today (and every day), I feel much love for my son and daughter, and how blessed I am to be their mom. I feel thankful today for Bridget, how she loves my son and my family. I feel thankful for my parents, my partner Dan, and my friends (near and far). I feel blessed to have laughter in my life. My kids are hilarious, and they made me laugh every day they were home during the holidays, and I'm happy they were here, and thankful for every moment with them. 

This year has changed me. I’m trying to be more mindful, more understanding and more forgiving. I’m trying to remember that we all have our struggles, our crosses to bear, and we are all doing the best we can. I remember to say a prayer every day for those who need it, and to send silent thanks to everyone who has done the same for me. I will always be grateful. 

I want to thank Legacy Emanuel Hospital; Dr. Kent Grewe, Sam's neurosurgeon; and all of the nurses who took such amazing care of Sam while he was hospitalized. They saved him, and me. I want to thank the Legacy Rehabilitation Institute of Oregon who made sure he was ready to go home, so many months ago.

I am so thankful to everyone who reads this blog; who asks about Sam, Bridget and Molly; who keeps us in their prayers; who sends heartfelt messages (especially Jamilyne and Nancy, whom I’ve never met but continue to reach out to me); and to my family.

I'm thankful for my co-workers in the Corporate Marketing Division at Arkansas Blue Cross and Blue Shield. When I got to work today, I was feeling very emotional, teary. They KNEW I would I be a little shaky, so they left me to my work with minimal interruption, and gave me a sweet card signed by each of them, letting me know they cared. Wow. So very thoughtful. 

I’ve learned from this experience. I’ve learned that most people, at their core, are good and caring and generous. I’ve learned that I can be as strong as I need to be. I’ve learned there is NOTHING more important than your family; hold them close. 

Prayers Needed

There are a few other people on my mind today, who have suffered tremendous losses in the past few weeks, or who are battling disease. Pray for strength for them ... for Traci H., a friend of mind who lost her beautiful 17-year-old daughter to complications from ulcerative colitis; for Carla R., another friend who lost her precious son to teen suicide. And, please pray for Kayne Finley, a young man who is fighting a brain tumor. Here is his story ... https://www.facebook.com/groups/cannonballsforKayne/

Thank you for reading this blog, and thinking of my sweet family.

Being thankful.

Being thankful is definitely a better way to be.

If you aren’t grateful, you may just end up where I was for two weeks after the election. It’s not a good place to be, and I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone.

I had a headache every day for two weeks, with a full-on overblown migraine after the election. I was sick for three days.

I was sick because I let the stress of this election get the best of me. I engaged in a few offline discussions with those who have a different opinion than I do. I let people drag me into the mud, and I’m ashamed of that. I should go high when others go low, to quote Michelle Obama. I should stay away from conversations or people who cause me stress. That’s going to be one of my New Year’s resolutions.

No matter what happens with an election, the tide will always turn. Change will always come. If you preach gloom and doom or if you are shouting that a new era is born, just wait it out. You may be singing a different tune. There will eventually be a new president, a new party in power. No one always gets what they want, and that is a good thing. And, nothing lasts forever. I know that, but sometimes I forget.

Enough about that. I want to be loved and give love, be happy and make others happy, live and let live. I've got to focus on the love and light in my life, as we all do ... it makes for a better life.

So, for this week of Thanksgiving, I am going to turn to the things I am thankful for this year, and here they are, in no particular order:

• Sam — This blog started about him, and it still is, but it's more. He's my firstborn, my only son, and there aren't enough words to express how I feel related to his health, his attitude, his future ... today. So much love and gratefulness for this precious son of mine. I will be blogging more about him later, as the one-year anniversary date of his assault draws near. Today, he is back in school, doing well, getting good reports from his doctors, and I'm oh so grateful. I'm anxious to see him at Christmas.
• Molly — She's home for Thanksgiving, and I'm so happy that she is here. She is focused and resolute about her future, and her friends have been nothing but supportive of her hard work these past few months. We've spent some quality time together, but I still think quantity is just important. Just having her here, at home, means everything ... even if she is downstairs sleeping. Moms always feel better when their babies are home. I am so blessed to be her mom, and she brings me much joy.
• Dan — Most stand up guy I know. Nothing but love and appreciation for him. Grateful every day.
• Bridget — An angel on earth. I can never thank her enough for what she has done for me, for Sam, for our family. Plus, we love her and she's super fun to be around. Everyone needs a "Bridget" in their life, and I'm grateful for this girl, who is precious and beautiful inside and out.
• Buckley — I am the annoying puppy mom that everyone loves to hate. But, I love him, and I'm glad he's found his forever home with us.

  

  Buckley helps decorate. 

• A home, a car, food, friends, an education, a job — I have all of these things, and some people do not. I know I am blessed, and I am grateful.
• GoFundMe — I am thankful for crowdsourcing and for people who give so freely of their own money to support the causes that are near or dear to them. This business is everything, and I am grateful it has eased my worries this past year. I am grateful for those who gave, who don't even know me or Sam. GoFundMe donors deserve the best life has to give, and I pray for them every day.
• Family — Recently, my mom and stepfather moved close to me and my brothers. It's been a long time since we were all together in the same area, and it makes life better. I am also thinking of my dear aunt in California who is battling cancer, my dear uncle who takes care of her, my sweet cousins who are worried for her, my dad and stepmother who love her dearly ... sending love to her each day.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you who have taken the time to read this blog. Thank you for thinking of me and my children. Much love to all.

 

From Aaron Rodgers to Sam

When Sam was a little boy, he wore Green Bay Packers T-shirts, had a Packers bedspread and loved the great Brett Favre. His loyalty to the Packers has never wavered, and when Aaron Rodgers took the helm as the Packers’ quarterback, Sam became his biggest fan. 

When Sam was assaulted, the Packers Nation stood behind him in full force. And, the Packers organization responded with a gift package just for him, something they rarely do. My friends, and Packers fans, tweeted to Aaron Rodgers and the Packers organization over and over again to tell Sam’s story. The Green Bay Packers organization told several of my close friends who called them that they had NEVER BEFORE had so many people contact them on behalf of one person. That’s an amazing thing to hear, and we knew then that there are no friends like ours or fans like the Packers Nation. 

But something else was happening that we did not know about, until just his past week. There’s a young man named Eric Sterner, who lives in Portland and works for Adidas, who knew of Sam’s story and wanted to do something for him. Adidas has a relationship with Aaron Rodgers, who has been under contract to them since 2015. 

Neither Adidas nor Eric were looking for anything from Sam; they simply wanted to do a good deed. They wanted to give something to a young man who loves football and poetry, and who they knew to be Aaron Rodgers’ biggest fan. And Eric could do something because he knows Aaron, and he did a very selfless thing, asking nothing from us. Eric shared Sam’s story with Aaron, and Aaron was touched by it so he left a gift for Sam with Eric. 

A personal message from Aaron.

 To get the gift to Sam, Eric reached out to me through GoFundMe, and at first, I wasn’t even sure it was real. My friend Trey and I did a little research, and we were confident that Eric was legitimate. I asked Eric for his phone number so Sam could contact him, and he gave it to me, and Sam contacted him. He invited Sam to visit him at his office, which Sam and Bridget did, and Eric gave Sam what is the gift of a lifetime … a football signed with a personal note for Sam from Aaron Rodgers. The note says, “Sam, Hope you’re continuing to feel better! Keep wearing the Green and Gold proudly! Aaron Rodgers, 12.

How wonderful is that. It’s just so sweet. I can’t even find the right words. We have just had a very happy, grateful week. 

Bridget, Sam and the gift from Aaron Rodgers.

Bridget and Sam were in shock, but so very grateful to Eric, Adidas and Aaron Rodgers. Sam told me that Eric was the real deal, a great guy, and that he has offered his assistance in other ways to Sam and Bridget. When Sam left the Adidas store, he FaceTimed me immediately so he could show me his new treasure. And the second thing he wanted to do was have me share this gift with the Packers Nation faithful and the GoFundMe supporters, because we believe this would never have happened if his story hadn’t been shared over and over again. 

FaceTiming the news to mom.

Thank you to everyone for all you have done for Sam, Bridget and our family. Thank you for the prayers and the good thoughts. We will continue to keep our GoFundMe supporters and the Packers Nation updated on Sam’s progress. We are so thankful, and we feel the love everyday that you continue to show us. And, thank you Eric, thank you Adidas, and thank you Aaron Rodgers! Go Packers!

(And, to update everyone on Sam’s health, he’s doing very well and taking medication for his TBI-related seizures. He’s not driving yet, but he is going back to school this September and is looking for a part-time job, nothing too hectic (because of occasional headaches and dizziness), but something to keep him busy. He’s getting back to his normal, beautiful life with Bridget in Portland.)

Molly's With Her: Making History

Politics is not my thing. Many people in my family have strong feelings, but I do not as I’d rather stay friends than state opinions. All I will say is that I define myself as a moderate. I always vote, but I have never worn a button or announced my preferences via Facebook or through other public channels. One time, many years ago, I was in line to vote in a presidential election, and the man in front of me turned to me and said, “I hope you are voting for the right person.” I have no idea whom he considered the right person, and I didn't answer him. I just smiled. 

I never tried to influence my children’s views either, and let me tell you, it works. They don’t have the same thoughts as I do nor do they agree with one another. They have made up their own minds how involved, or not involved, they want to be in the political system. I am proud of both Sam and Molly for this. 

Facebook political arguments are foolish. You are never going to change someone else’s mind. The hatred and misinformation spewing from both left and right-wingers is distressing. I refuse to be a part of any political discussion on Facebook because I want to keep my friends and family, and I don’t want politics to damage those relationships. I’m not talking about your opinion on your page, that’s your choice and you have the right to do as you please. I am talking about creating or engaging in arguments or spreading misinformation.

Molly and Christian. Ohio-bound. 

Having said all that, my daughter is leaving New York City for a few months to work in Columbus, Ohio, for the Hillary Clinton Presidential Campaign. That’s her choice, and I’m proud of her for living her life on her terms. She will be a Field Organizer. She will return to New York after the election is over. It’s a great experience and will allow her to understood, in a real way, how our presidential campaign system works. It will open doors and allow her to meet young people from across the country who are descending on the battleground state to help in one way or another. One of her best friends from Rhodes College, Christian, also will be working on the campaign in Ohio, although in another city. This was an unexpected turn of events, but it is not an opportunity she can pass up. The 12-hour days (every single day) don’t scare her. She’s a hard worker. I’m looking forward to the stories, and grateful she gets the experience. That’s what being young is all about. 

If you have an opinion about her choice or my support of it, that’s fine, but please be respectful.

I appreciate all of you who read my blog, and I appreciate the kind words you have always shown me and my family. Thank you!

Connecting at Turtle Lake

A lake is the landscape’s most beautiful and expressive feature. It is earth’s eye, looking into which the beholder measures the depth of his own nature. — Henry David Thoreau

I’m a California girl. Even though I’ve spent the majority of my life in Arkansas, I still consider myself a child of the West Coast. I was born in Fresno, but spent most of my formative years in California beach towns … Morro Bay, Shell Beach, San Luis Obispo. I love the Pacific ocean. I love the cold water, and the cool breezes. I know why people are drawn to it. 

I have never been much on going to the lake, but they are popular weekend retreats in Arkansas. My reluctance is not because the Arkansas lakes aren’t beautiful, because they are, but because I don’t like being out in the Arkansas heat, even if it is on a lake, and I don’t like tepid lake water to swim in or dangle my feet. All I can think about is what bacteria might be lurking. 

But, lakes are so peaceful, especially Minnesota lakes. I just spent a week there, so I'm still relishing the memory. There’s something about sitting on the edge of a lake in the cool evening with only the sound of a loon in the distance. No crashing waves, just the slight wake from the pontoon boats. During the day, I loved to listen to the splashing and laughter of the vacationing families. 

No filter. Turtle Lake. 

I was in Minnesota with family, and to clarify, that includes: me, Dan, Sam, Bridget, Molly; my brothers Kirk, Jason and Scott with their wives Tonya, Angela and Maurene and their children Jake, Emma, Josi, Celia, Lona and Jaxon; my dad and stepmother; AND my stepmom’s brother and sister and their spouses, children and grandchildren. We were at Arcadia Lodge, on Turtle Lake near Big Fork, Minnesota. If that sounds remote, it is. We had to drive four hours from Minneapolis to find this place. You drive forever, then you drive forever more on a dirt road. There was very little cell phone service and the lodge was straight out of the '50s. You could borrow things (paddles, canoes, basketballs, volleyballs, etc.) on the honor system, and if you misplaced something, no big deal. It was beautiful, and quiet, and it felt nostalgic, like something out of a movie. 

Sam and Jaxon. 

The best thing, of course, was the time I got to spend with my family and especially my children Sam and Molly. As you may know, Sam had a seizure just two days before we were scheduled to leave. Seizures are not unusual when recovering from a TBI, but it is just another stumbling block on his journey to recovery. And, I was unprepared and scared and far away, but Bridget was there to see him through it, in the ER and back home to heal and rest again before this trip. Now, both of my beloved children, are on anti-seizure medication … Sam because of his TBI and Molly, due to her epilepsy. It’s just a lot to digest, so I try to take it one day at a time. Every day is just one step closer to complete recovery for Sam, and seizure-free years for Molly. Let’s hope and pray for good days and good health. Sam was feeling pretty good in Minnesota, if tired, and he and Molly REALLY enjoyed their time with their cousins. Molly was into everything the lake life offered ... jet skiing, swimming, canoeing, boating, fishing, baiting her own hook, you name it. Sam didn’t feel comfortable with many of the activities, and continues to be protective of his head, as he should. He did go canoeing with his cousin Jake and fishing with Bridget and Molly, his cousins and grandfather. 

Sam still has headaches and dizziness, and other residual effects of his injury, but he’s as funny, smart and personable as ever and focused on healing. That’s all I want. That’s it. That’s all anybody really wants in this life … good health and a loving family.

It’s taken me seven paragraphs to get to what I really what to say. We call that “burying the lead” in the journalism world, so I apologize to my fellow communicators. The one thing that stood out above all else on this trip … more than the fishing and canoeing and s’more-making, although those activities played into it … was the essential need we all have for family connections, the overwhelming compulsion that children (and adults, too) have to cling to others with a similar history and the same roots. We all yearn for it and actually need it. Family really is everything.

I remember my own youth with my cousins and aunts and uncles, and how it has made me who I am today. Those memories continue to fulfill a need I have for a defined history, and it lets me know that I belong somewhere, to someone. My cousin Jacque and I used to walk the backroads of Fresno, barefoot, to pet horses in a field near our Aunt’s home. She and I have a shared memory of the "big noodles" our great-grandma made and how much we loved them. My cousin Sherry and I used to stay at our Grandma Hinds’ house ... and listen to our Uncle Vernie play the harmonica, pick cantaloupes from our grandfather's garden and play with the pet rabbits and dog, Duke. 

Cousins. 

In Minnesota, the cousins spent every moment they could just being together … swimming, playing volleyball, playing APPLES to APPLES, enjoying meals together and simply talking and laughing. We would barely be up in the morning, and they would be at our cabin, ready to make new memories each day. Of course, that’s not how they thought about it. They were just having fun. They all laughed so much, and I have no idea why. Sam, Molly and Bridget created a Scavenger Hunt for the younger kids one afternoon. Those kids will never forget that. One night, everyone played a game Sam made up, that I called Psycho Ball, that consisted of a “glow and throw” ball and everyone’s respective imaginations. And it was really fun! 

It was sad to say goodbye, as it always is when you are letting go of something that makes you happy, and I cried and cried. I always do when I know it will be months before I can hug those I love again. 

I can’t help but note the obvious … that the lack of cell phone service at Turtle Lake forced the kids and the adults to leave work and friends on the sidelines for a week, and gave us freedom from technology. This Turtle Lake vacation gave us the gift of authentic, real-time connections. You don’t get that from email or text or Facebook, you just don’t. My sister-in-law Tonya (of 18 years I might add) told me she was glad we had bonded. That’s funny and sad at the same time. Of course, we love each other and have bonded, but this was different. We had to cook together, clean up together, create a shared shopping list, compromise on “quiet times” and we even had a “slumber party” talking late into the night. It was special.

One thing that Tonya and I talked about each day was how heartwarming it was to watch the memories and renewed love and connections the cousins were making with each other, and how they embraced Bridget as the family that she is. They will forever share the memory of a week in the summer of 2016 when they all had one of the best times of their lives at Turtle Lake in Minnesota. 

In every conceivable manner, the family is link to our past, bridge to our future. — Alex Haley

Stand Together Against Blaming and Shaming Parents

My little loves. 

I’m an imperfect parent. I have made mistakes. None of those mistakes were made because I didn’t care about or didn’t love my children. I made them because I am an imperfect human. I would guess strangers who watched me parent my children through a brief glimpse of me at the baseball field or a dance recital might have differing opinions of me. Some might guess I was a strict parent. Others may have seen me as a helicopter parent. And, others may have pegged me as a pushover parent. They made an assumption in that moment, based on a tiny peek into my life.

My stepfather always says, “Everyone is doing the best they can.” That is the truest thing about being a parent.

One time when I was on vacation in Florida with my then-husband and 2-year-old son, we visited an outlet mall, a Levi’s store in particular. Sam was at my feet, or holding my hand, or jumping up and down, right there with me. Then, I looked away, and he was gone. I didn’t panic, but got down to his level and started looking through the nearby clothing racks. After five minutes without finding him, I then started panicking. I started walking faster through the store, found Sam’s dad, and we both begin looking. No Sam. I then went to the front of the store to find the manager and the clerks to beg for help finding my baby son. I was tearful and trying not to totally lose my cool. Then, suddenly, my then-husband found him, hiding among the racks, oblivious to my fear, just playing a game. I lost him for about 10 minutes.

Another time we were on vacation at SeaWorld in San Antonio. This time, I had my 8-year-old son and my 4-year-old baby girl. In the middle of SeaWorld was this huge jungle gym type-thing (think McDonald’s PlayPlace on steroids). The kids started through the contraption on one end, and came out the other side. I allowed my kids to go through it, telling my son “Hold your sister’s hand.” I watched them enter, then immediately walked to the exit to wait for them. Soon enough, here comes Sam but Molly was nowhere in sight. I asked him where she was, and he didn’t know. I waited and waited, and she didn’t come out. Overwhelming fear. There were tons of people and children there. I held his hand and started running around the jungle-gym thing, looking everywhere, calling her name. I was having trouble breathing, and then I looked up. There she was, running toward me, holding the hand of someone who worked at SeaWorld. She was crying. She had exited the jungle gym (probably through the entrance), didn’t see me or Sam, so she looked for someone “in charge.” Thank goodness she was always so precocious.

Do you think I was a bad parent? Do you think I was neglectful? That I didn’t love my children? I hope not. I hope you know that I am just a regular person, a simple loving mom. And, things happen. 

When Sam was assaulted, through no fault of his own or any fault of mine, I did blame myself. What had I done to lead him to this place? How could I have parented differently so he had never ended up at that place at that time? I sat in the hospital those first few days, feeling sick and faint, trying to make sense of the senseless. And, I went online and read comments from people who had heard about the story online or through the media. The cruelty I found there made me do something I rarely do, turn away from the news and social media. I had to delete comments from the GoFundMe page. I am thankful for all of you who were kinder and gentler during that phase. 

The reason this is on my mind is because of the all of the negative reactions I have seen online from the trolls and perfect parents berating and judging the mom whose child felt into the gorilla’s enclosure at the Cincinnati Zoo. It was an accident. Accidents happen. And, more recently, the grief-stricken and heartbroken parents of Lane Graves, who was drowned by an alligator at Disney World. My heart hurts especially for his parents, and I want to say this about that situation:

1. I’ve stayed at the Grand Floridian at Disney World. I’ve seen the lagoon. Never did I ever think there might be alligators in there. I am not from Florida, and alligators are not top of mind. I assumed it was man-made, and it was safe.
2. I’ve been to Disney World twice. Never have I thought there were alligators anywhere in the Park. I’ve never seen them there. I’ve never seen warning signs about them being there.
3. Disney sells itself on its consumer experience, branding their world as “the happiest place on earth.” Everything is planned for you, every detail is accounted for … this is not something that anyone would expect.
4. “No Swimming” has many interpretations: water isn’t suitable, no lifeguard on duty, and just “no swimming.” It didn’t say “no wading” or “beware of alligators.” The expectation is that a beach at Disney World is safe. That’s the mental model we all have when it comes to Disney.
5. If Lane’s parents thought for ONE SINGLE SECOND that there were alligators in that lake, they would not have let their child near it.
6. There are no perfect parents. And if you have never had children or raised a child or loved a child, it's best to keep silent. 
7. Never say, “my child has never been out of my sight” or “that would never happen to me” or “my child would never do that” because you will eat those words.
8. Sympathy is the only thing we need to be offering Melissa and Matt Graves. No one is feeling more regret, loss, pain, shock and horror than they are right now. Let’s send our prayers and love to these parents whose lives have been forever changed. Their new reality is heartache enough.
9. Bad things happen to good people. Good things happen to bad people. It’s the way of the world, and we can’t change it.

As parents, let’s support each other, help each other, feel for each other. We are all doing the best we can.