Home Again (Update for January 31, 2016)

Sam and my mom, his grandmother. 

I left Portland yesterday. I had a complete breakdown as I said goodbye to my son, and he asked me, "Why are you crying?" He probably doesn't realize I cry every day, so yesterday was no different. It was so hard to return home, and I worried about him all day. Then, late last night, I got a text from my son, "Thank you for everything." There's a Chinese proverb that says "One joy can shatter one hundred griefs" and that's how I felt at that moment.

Sam has had his phone in hand, and he looks at messages, but he hasn't been responding. I'm not sure if he is too tired or if he is not able to fully understand what he reads. But, because last night he sent me and his sister, Molly, a text ... I know he'll be doing that again soon as he starts responding to all of the messages of love and support from his friends and family.

Many people have asked me, "How do you feel about Portland now?" And, I have nothing but love for Portland. There are bad people everywhere, and this just proves that crime can happen anywhere. I live in Little Rock, which consistently ranks as one of the most dangerous cities to live in. My daughter went to college in Memphis, a city the FBI previously named as No. 1 in Violent Crime. We have never experienced any crime of any sort in Little Rock or Memphis. I love both of those cities. My point is that crime can happen anywhere, I do not blame the city or the people. There are criminals and bullies everywhere, and Portland has its share.

Sam and my dad, his grandfather.

I don't even mind the weather in Portland. It seems like it is always wet in Portland, but I never saw it rain. It may be because for the first week and a half I was there, I arrived at the hospital (via Uber) before it was light outside. I walked approximately 378 steps through the hospital every day. I actually counted the steps I took to my son's hospital bed. Then, I walked back the 378 steps to the Emergency Entrance of the hospital each day (the main entrance was always closed when I left) and took an Uber back the 1.3 miles to the hotel. The rain, the weather, nothing about Portland bothered me except that my son was hurt in this city. The sun peeked out one day, and I felt like the characters on the TV show Portlandia, wanting to stand in the sunshine for just a minute. And, the sun was out the day he took an ambulance to rehab ... a good sign.

I was unable to see most of Sam's therapy in person yesterday, as I was traveling home to Arkansas, but Bridget will now be my eyes and ears. She's up to the task. I was there in the morning for his speech therapy, and the focus was on his medications. He is taking 10, yes 10, medications every day. Obviously, we don't want that, and he doesn't want that, to continue forever. His therapist discussed each with him, and which meds he can quit taking soon.

After that, he had a full day of PT and OT. He did perfectly, but still favored his injured ankle. He even got to shoot a basketball, one of his all-time favorite activities. Bridget said they played Jenga and started making lists. One of Sam's all-tome favorite games, which he and Molly and I played ALL THE TIME, and he and Bridget play together ... is LIST MAKING. It sounds silly, but we take turns making lists of our Top 5 favorite movies, books, TV shows, or whatever. Bridget said yesterday they played that game, kinda, in therapy. For example, name 3 mammals living in the sea (not sure I could do that one). He did great.

Sam and his uncles, Jon and Kirk, and cousin Jake.

He ate all three of his meals yesterday, including all of his breakfast. That's a triumph. It's been hard to get him to eat much, and he keeps losing weight, so we want him to EAT. He is finally getting his appetite back.

Cousins Lona, Molly, Celia, Josi, Emma, Sam and Jaxon.

I left my home in Arkansas for Portland exactly two weeks ago today, unsure of what exactly happened and knowing my son was in ICU after having emergency brain surgery. It was a difficult trip there. I had no idea the extent of his injuries, how long he would be in the hospital, what his future would look like, nothing. That trip seems like a lifetime ago. I bought a one-way ticket there; I didn't know how long I would stay. Although I have more information, my son is out of immediate danger and I'm positive he will have his life back ... it's scary how your life can change on a dime. Sam's life will never be the same. He will never be able to ride a bike again, go snow skiing, ride a jet ski, maybe never again play pick-up basketball games or softball ... he won't be able to do anything where he might have a head injury. He has to be careful every single day. Can you imagine how overwhelming that might be? I don't want him to live a life of worry and fear, so I'm struggling with how he can be careful without it interfering in his daily activities. It's going to be a never-ending journey.

Sam and Molly. 

I look at things differently now. When we were at his apartment, Dan counted the steps to his second-story apartment ... 20 steps, handrail on the right. There's an overhang. Three steps to the door to his apartment. A rug I deemed slippery on their hardwood floors, so I moved it. Wood floors mean non-slip shoes. Does he have those? I took Weezy for a walk, and there's a busy intersection with cars and cyclists before you can cross the street to the park. The grass was damp and slippery, so I don't want him walking there. Everything looks and seems different to me. Until Sam has his skull re-inserted into his head, he's like a baby with a soft spot (to me), and everything is terrifying. I want to protect him.

I talked to Bridget this morning, and she has sent me some more photos of their life together, specifically their month-long trip across the United States prior to their settling in Portland. They had the best time, cementing their relationship for the long haul. I've said it before, and I will say it a million times more, Bridget is an angel. Whatever good thing you think about her, it's true. She is as dedicated and committed as they come. She and Sam have a true love. She and I have spent lots of time together this week until we joked that "we are one." We have sent each other the same exact texts at the exact same time, over and over. Not sure what that means, but I'm grateful that we are thinking alike.

I feel like I sound negative and that is probably true, because this is a negative experience. I am pissed off that Sam has been put in this situation. However, he is getting better and stronger every day. He's laughing and talking about his sister, his friends, his favorite movies. My only salvation is that I can see my son returning to his funny, brilliant self. For now, I can show you who he is, and let everyone learn to love him as his family and friends do.

Today, there is a fundraiser for Sam, Suds for Sam, at Saraveza in Portland from 11 a.m. until 11:59 p.m. I am, again, humbled and grateful.

Today's blog features photos of Sam and his family. There will be a second blog today with photos of Sam and his life with Bridget. The photos she is sharing just make me cry.

Thank you Heather.

I want to send a special thank you to my dear friend, Heather and her husband, Jason. She was my first visitor upon my return. She made Dan and I an amazing frittata and ciabatta bread (all homemade), and she listened to me pour my heart out. Forever grateful.

I also want to send a thank you to my long-time friend Neal Moore, who is writing an article today for the Maumelle Monitor (Moore on Maumelle) about Sam and the power of GoFundMe. I'll post the link when I have it.

Much love to all. Thank you for your prayers, your thoughts and messages, and your generous donations.