Being thankful.

Being thankful is definitely a better way to be.

If you aren’t grateful, you may just end up where I was for two weeks after the election. It’s not a good place to be, and I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone.

I had a headache every day for two weeks, with a full-on overblown migraine after the election. I was sick for three days.

I was sick because I let the stress of this election get the best of me. I engaged in a few offline discussions with those who have a different opinion than I do. I let people drag me into the mud, and I’m ashamed of that. I should go high when others go low, to quote Michelle Obama. I should stay away from conversations or people who cause me stress. That’s going to be one of my New Year’s resolutions.

No matter what happens with an election, the tide will always turn. Change will always come. If you preach gloom and doom or if you are shouting that a new era is born, just wait it out. You may be singing a different tune. There will eventually be a new president, a new party in power. No one always gets what they want, and that is a good thing. And, nothing lasts forever. I know that, but sometimes I forget.

Enough about that. I want to be loved and give love, be happy and make others happy, live and let live. I've got to focus on the love and light in my life, as we all do ... it makes for a better life.

So, for this week of Thanksgiving, I am going to turn to the things I am thankful for this year, and here they are, in no particular order:

• Sam — This blog started about him, and it still is, but it's more. He's my firstborn, my only son, and there aren't enough words to express how I feel related to his health, his attitude, his future ... today. So much love and gratefulness for this precious son of mine. I will be blogging more about him later, as the one-year anniversary date of his assault draws near. Today, he is back in school, doing well, getting good reports from his doctors, and I'm oh so grateful. I'm anxious to see him at Christmas.
• Molly — She's home for Thanksgiving, and I'm so happy that she is here. She is focused and resolute about her future, and her friends have been nothing but supportive of her hard work these past few months. We've spent some quality time together, but I still think quantity is just important. Just having her here, at home, means everything ... even if she is downstairs sleeping. Moms always feel better when their babies are home. I am so blessed to be her mom, and she brings me much joy.
• Dan — Most stand up guy I know. Nothing but love and appreciation for him. Grateful every day.
• Bridget — An angel on earth. I can never thank her enough for what she has done for me, for Sam, for our family. Plus, we love her and she's super fun to be around. Everyone needs a "Bridget" in their life, and I'm grateful for this girl, who is precious and beautiful inside and out.
• Buckley — I am the annoying puppy mom that everyone loves to hate. But, I love him, and I'm glad he's found his forever home with us.

  

  Buckley helps decorate. 

• A home, a car, food, friends, an education, a job — I have all of these things, and some people do not. I know I am blessed, and I am grateful.
• GoFundMe — I am thankful for crowdsourcing and for people who give so freely of their own money to support the causes that are near or dear to them. This business is everything, and I am grateful it has eased my worries this past year. I am grateful for those who gave, who don't even know me or Sam. GoFundMe donors deserve the best life has to give, and I pray for them every day.
• Family — Recently, my mom and stepfather moved close to me and my brothers. It's been a long time since we were all together in the same area, and it makes life better. I am also thinking of my dear aunt in California who is battling cancer, my dear uncle who takes care of her, my sweet cousins who are worried for her, my dad and stepmother who love her dearly ... sending love to her each day.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you who have taken the time to read this blog. Thank you for thinking of me and my children. Much love to all.

 

From Aaron Rodgers to Sam

When Sam was a little boy, he wore Green Bay Packers T-shirts, had a Packers bedspread and loved the great Brett Favre. His loyalty to the Packers has never wavered, and when Aaron Rodgers took the helm as the Packers’ quarterback, Sam became his biggest fan. 

When Sam was assaulted, the Packers Nation stood behind him in full force. And, the Packers organization responded with a gift package just for him, something they rarely do. My friends, and Packers fans, tweeted to Aaron Rodgers and the Packers organization over and over again to tell Sam’s story. The Green Bay Packers organization told several of my close friends who called them that they had NEVER BEFORE had so many people contact them on behalf of one person. That’s an amazing thing to hear, and we knew then that there are no friends like ours or fans like the Packers Nation. 

But something else was happening that we did not know about, until just his past week. There’s a young man named Eric Sterner, who lives in Portland and works for Adidas, who knew of Sam’s story and wanted to do something for him. Adidas has a relationship with Aaron Rodgers, who has been under contract to them since 2015. 

Neither Adidas nor Eric were looking for anything from Sam; they simply wanted to do a good deed. They wanted to give something to a young man who loves football and poetry, and who they knew to be Aaron Rodgers’ biggest fan. And Eric could do something because he knows Aaron, and he did a very selfless thing, asking nothing from us. Eric shared Sam’s story with Aaron, and Aaron was touched by it so he left a gift for Sam with Eric. 

A personal message from Aaron.

 To get the gift to Sam, Eric reached out to me through GoFundMe, and at first, I wasn’t even sure it was real. My friend Trey and I did a little research, and we were confident that Eric was legitimate. I asked Eric for his phone number so Sam could contact him, and he gave it to me, and Sam contacted him. He invited Sam to visit him at his office, which Sam and Bridget did, and Eric gave Sam what is the gift of a lifetime … a football signed with a personal note for Sam from Aaron Rodgers. The note says, “Sam, Hope you’re continuing to feel better! Keep wearing the Green and Gold proudly! Aaron Rodgers, 12.

How wonderful is that. It’s just so sweet. I can’t even find the right words. We have just had a very happy, grateful week. 

Bridget, Sam and the gift from Aaron Rodgers.

Bridget and Sam were in shock, but so very grateful to Eric, Adidas and Aaron Rodgers. Sam told me that Eric was the real deal, a great guy, and that he has offered his assistance in other ways to Sam and Bridget. When Sam left the Adidas store, he FaceTimed me immediately so he could show me his new treasure. And the second thing he wanted to do was have me share this gift with the Packers Nation faithful and the GoFundMe supporters, because we believe this would never have happened if his story hadn’t been shared over and over again. 

FaceTiming the news to mom.

Thank you to everyone for all you have done for Sam, Bridget and our family. Thank you for the prayers and the good thoughts. We will continue to keep our GoFundMe supporters and the Packers Nation updated on Sam’s progress. We are so thankful, and we feel the love everyday that you continue to show us. And, thank you Eric, thank you Adidas, and thank you Aaron Rodgers! Go Packers!

(And, to update everyone on Sam’s health, he’s doing very well and taking medication for his TBI-related seizures. He’s not driving yet, but he is going back to school this September and is looking for a part-time job, nothing too hectic (because of occasional headaches and dizziness), but something to keep him busy. He’s getting back to his normal, beautiful life with Bridget in Portland.)

Molly's With Her: Making History

Politics is not my thing. Many people in my family have strong feelings, but I do not as I’d rather stay friends than state opinions. All I will say is that I define myself as a moderate. I always vote, but I have never worn a button or announced my preferences via Facebook or through other public channels. One time, many years ago, I was in line to vote in a presidential election, and the man in front of me turned to me and said, “I hope you are voting for the right person.” I have no idea whom he considered the right person, and I didn't answer him. I just smiled. 

I never tried to influence my children’s views either, and let me tell you, it works. They don’t have the same thoughts as I do nor do they agree with one another. They have made up their own minds how involved, or not involved, they want to be in the political system. I am proud of both Sam and Molly for this. 

Facebook political arguments are foolish. You are never going to change someone else’s mind. The hatred and misinformation spewing from both left and right-wingers is distressing. I refuse to be a part of any political discussion on Facebook because I want to keep my friends and family, and I don’t want politics to damage those relationships. I’m not talking about your opinion on your page, that’s your choice and you have the right to do as you please. I am talking about creating or engaging in arguments or spreading misinformation.

Molly and Christian. Ohio-bound. 

Having said all that, my daughter is leaving New York City for a few months to work in Columbus, Ohio, for the Hillary Clinton Presidential Campaign. That’s her choice, and I’m proud of her for living her life on her terms. She will be a Field Organizer. She will return to New York after the election is over. It’s a great experience and will allow her to understood, in a real way, how our presidential campaign system works. It will open doors and allow her to meet young people from across the country who are descending on the battleground state to help in one way or another. One of her best friends from Rhodes College, Christian, also will be working on the campaign in Ohio, although in another city. This was an unexpected turn of events, but it is not an opportunity she can pass up. The 12-hour days (every single day) don’t scare her. She’s a hard worker. I’m looking forward to the stories, and grateful she gets the experience. That’s what being young is all about. 

If you have an opinion about her choice or my support of it, that’s fine, but please be respectful.

I appreciate all of you who read my blog, and I appreciate the kind words you have always shown me and my family. Thank you!

Connecting at Turtle Lake

A lake is the landscape’s most beautiful and expressive feature. It is earth’s eye, looking into which the beholder measures the depth of his own nature. — Henry David Thoreau

I’m a California girl. Even though I’ve spent the majority of my life in Arkansas, I still consider myself a child of the West Coast. I was born in Fresno, but spent most of my formative years in California beach towns … Morro Bay, Shell Beach, San Luis Obispo. I love the Pacific ocean. I love the cold water, and the cool breezes. I know why people are drawn to it. 

I have never been much on going to the lake, but they are popular weekend retreats in Arkansas. My reluctance is not because the Arkansas lakes aren’t beautiful, because they are, but because I don’t like being out in the Arkansas heat, even if it is on a lake, and I don’t like tepid lake water to swim in or dangle my feet. All I can think about is what bacteria might be lurking. 

But, lakes are so peaceful, especially Minnesota lakes. I just spent a week there, so I'm still relishing the memory. There’s something about sitting on the edge of a lake in the cool evening with only the sound of a loon in the distance. No crashing waves, just the slight wake from the pontoon boats. During the day, I loved to listen to the splashing and laughter of the vacationing families. 

No filter. Turtle Lake. 

I was in Minnesota with family, and to clarify, that includes: me, Dan, Sam, Bridget, Molly; my brothers Kirk, Jason and Scott with their wives Tonya, Angela and Maurene and their children Jake, Emma, Josi, Celia, Lona and Jaxon; my dad and stepmother; AND my stepmom’s brother and sister and their spouses, children and grandchildren. We were at Arcadia Lodge, on Turtle Lake near Big Fork, Minnesota. If that sounds remote, it is. We had to drive four hours from Minneapolis to find this place. You drive forever, then you drive forever more on a dirt road. There was very little cell phone service and the lodge was straight out of the '50s. You could borrow things (paddles, canoes, basketballs, volleyballs, etc.) on the honor system, and if you misplaced something, no big deal. It was beautiful, and quiet, and it felt nostalgic, like something out of a movie. 

Sam and Jaxon. 

The best thing, of course, was the time I got to spend with my family and especially my children Sam and Molly. As you may know, Sam had a seizure just two days before we were scheduled to leave. Seizures are not unusual when recovering from a TBI, but it is just another stumbling block on his journey to recovery. And, I was unprepared and scared and far away, but Bridget was there to see him through it, in the ER and back home to heal and rest again before this trip. Now, both of my beloved children, are on anti-seizure medication … Sam because of his TBI and Molly, due to her epilepsy. It’s just a lot to digest, so I try to take it one day at a time. Every day is just one step closer to complete recovery for Sam, and seizure-free years for Molly. Let’s hope and pray for good days and good health. Sam was feeling pretty good in Minnesota, if tired, and he and Molly REALLY enjoyed their time with their cousins. Molly was into everything the lake life offered ... jet skiing, swimming, canoeing, boating, fishing, baiting her own hook, you name it. Sam didn’t feel comfortable with many of the activities, and continues to be protective of his head, as he should. He did go canoeing with his cousin Jake and fishing with Bridget and Molly, his cousins and grandfather. 

Sam still has headaches and dizziness, and other residual effects of his injury, but he’s as funny, smart and personable as ever and focused on healing. That’s all I want. That’s it. That’s all anybody really wants in this life … good health and a loving family.

It’s taken me seven paragraphs to get to what I really what to say. We call that “burying the lead” in the journalism world, so I apologize to my fellow communicators. The one thing that stood out above all else on this trip … more than the fishing and canoeing and s’more-making, although those activities played into it … was the essential need we all have for family connections, the overwhelming compulsion that children (and adults, too) have to cling to others with a similar history and the same roots. We all yearn for it and actually need it. Family really is everything.

I remember my own youth with my cousins and aunts and uncles, and how it has made me who I am today. Those memories continue to fulfill a need I have for a defined history, and it lets me know that I belong somewhere, to someone. My cousin Jacque and I used to walk the backroads of Fresno, barefoot, to pet horses in a field near our Aunt’s home. She and I have a shared memory of the "big noodles" our great-grandma made and how much we loved them. My cousin Sherry and I used to stay at our Grandma Hinds’ house ... and listen to our Uncle Vernie play the harmonica, pick cantaloupes from our grandfather's garden and play with the pet rabbits and dog, Duke. 

Cousins. 

In Minnesota, the cousins spent every moment they could just being together … swimming, playing volleyball, playing APPLES to APPLES, enjoying meals together and simply talking and laughing. We would barely be up in the morning, and they would be at our cabin, ready to make new memories each day. Of course, that’s not how they thought about it. They were just having fun. They all laughed so much, and I have no idea why. Sam, Molly and Bridget created a Scavenger Hunt for the younger kids one afternoon. Those kids will never forget that. One night, everyone played a game Sam made up, that I called Psycho Ball, that consisted of a “glow and throw” ball and everyone’s respective imaginations. And it was really fun! 

It was sad to say goodbye, as it always is when you are letting go of something that makes you happy, and I cried and cried. I always do when I know it will be months before I can hug those I love again. 

I can’t help but note the obvious … that the lack of cell phone service at Turtle Lake forced the kids and the adults to leave work and friends on the sidelines for a week, and gave us freedom from technology. This Turtle Lake vacation gave us the gift of authentic, real-time connections. You don’t get that from email or text or Facebook, you just don’t. My sister-in-law Tonya (of 18 years I might add) told me she was glad we had bonded. That’s funny and sad at the same time. Of course, we love each other and have bonded, but this was different. We had to cook together, clean up together, create a shared shopping list, compromise on “quiet times” and we even had a “slumber party” talking late into the night. It was special.

One thing that Tonya and I talked about each day was how heartwarming it was to watch the memories and renewed love and connections the cousins were making with each other, and how they embraced Bridget as the family that she is. They will forever share the memory of a week in the summer of 2016 when they all had one of the best times of their lives at Turtle Lake in Minnesota. 

In every conceivable manner, the family is link to our past, bridge to our future. — Alex Haley

Stand Together Against Blaming and Shaming Parents

My little loves. 

I’m an imperfect parent. I have made mistakes. None of those mistakes were made because I didn’t care about or didn’t love my children. I made them because I am an imperfect human. I would guess strangers who watched me parent my children through a brief glimpse of me at the baseball field or a dance recital might have differing opinions of me. Some might guess I was a strict parent. Others may have seen me as a helicopter parent. And, others may have pegged me as a pushover parent. They made an assumption in that moment, based on a tiny peek into my life.

My stepfather always says, “Everyone is doing the best they can.” That is the truest thing about being a parent.

One time when I was on vacation in Florida with my then-husband and 2-year-old son, we visited an outlet mall, a Levi’s store in particular. Sam was at my feet, or holding my hand, or jumping up and down, right there with me. Then, I looked away, and he was gone. I didn’t panic, but got down to his level and started looking through the nearby clothing racks. After five minutes without finding him, I then started panicking. I started walking faster through the store, found Sam’s dad, and we both begin looking. No Sam. I then went to the front of the store to find the manager and the clerks to beg for help finding my baby son. I was tearful and trying not to totally lose my cool. Then, suddenly, my then-husband found him, hiding among the racks, oblivious to my fear, just playing a game. I lost him for about 10 minutes.

Another time we were on vacation at SeaWorld in San Antonio. This time, I had my 8-year-old son and my 4-year-old baby girl. In the middle of SeaWorld was this huge jungle gym type-thing (think McDonald’s PlayPlace on steroids). The kids started through the contraption on one end, and came out the other side. I allowed my kids to go through it, telling my son “Hold your sister’s hand.” I watched them enter, then immediately walked to the exit to wait for them. Soon enough, here comes Sam but Molly was nowhere in sight. I asked him where she was, and he didn’t know. I waited and waited, and she didn’t come out. Overwhelming fear. There were tons of people and children there. I held his hand and started running around the jungle-gym thing, looking everywhere, calling her name. I was having trouble breathing, and then I looked up. There she was, running toward me, holding the hand of someone who worked at SeaWorld. She was crying. She had exited the jungle gym (probably through the entrance), didn’t see me or Sam, so she looked for someone “in charge.” Thank goodness she was always so precocious.

Do you think I was a bad parent? Do you think I was neglectful? That I didn’t love my children? I hope not. I hope you know that I am just a regular person, a simple loving mom. And, things happen. 

When Sam was assaulted, through no fault of his own or any fault of mine, I did blame myself. What had I done to lead him to this place? How could I have parented differently so he had never ended up at that place at that time? I sat in the hospital those first few days, feeling sick and faint, trying to make sense of the senseless. And, I went online and read comments from people who had heard about the story online or through the media. The cruelty I found there made me do something I rarely do, turn away from the news and social media. I had to delete comments from the GoFundMe page. I am thankful for all of you who were kinder and gentler during that phase. 

The reason this is on my mind is because of the all of the negative reactions I have seen online from the trolls and perfect parents berating and judging the mom whose child felt into the gorilla’s enclosure at the Cincinnati Zoo. It was an accident. Accidents happen. And, more recently, the grief-stricken and heartbroken parents of Lane Graves, who was drowned by an alligator at Disney World. My heart hurts especially for his parents, and I want to say this about that situation:

1. I’ve stayed at the Grand Floridian at Disney World. I’ve seen the lagoon. Never did I ever think there might be alligators in there. I am not from Florida, and alligators are not top of mind. I assumed it was man-made, and it was safe.
2. I’ve been to Disney World twice. Never have I thought there were alligators anywhere in the Park. I’ve never seen them there. I’ve never seen warning signs about them being there.
3. Disney sells itself on its consumer experience, branding their world as “the happiest place on earth.” Everything is planned for you, every detail is accounted for … this is not something that anyone would expect.
4. “No Swimming” has many interpretations: water isn’t suitable, no lifeguard on duty, and just “no swimming.” It didn’t say “no wading” or “beware of alligators.” The expectation is that a beach at Disney World is safe. That’s the mental model we all have when it comes to Disney.
5. If Lane’s parents thought for ONE SINGLE SECOND that there were alligators in that lake, they would not have let their child near it.
6. There are no perfect parents. And if you have never had children or raised a child or loved a child, it's best to keep silent. 
7. Never say, “my child has never been out of my sight” or “that would never happen to me” or “my child would never do that” because you will eat those words.
8. Sympathy is the only thing we need to be offering Melissa and Matt Graves. No one is feeling more regret, loss, pain, shock and horror than they are right now. Let’s send our prayers and love to these parents whose lives have been forever changed. Their new reality is heartache enough.
9. Bad things happen to good people. Good things happen to bad people. It’s the way of the world, and we can’t change it.

As parents, let’s support each other, help each other, feel for each other. We are all doing the best we can. 

A Seizure-Free Year for Molly

"Make your choice. Are you ready to be strong?" - Buffy, The Vampire Slayer

My precious daughter, Molly, has epilepsy. Thanks to good medicine and excellent doctors, we are celebrating a full year of her being seizure-free this month.

This diagnosis came as a shock to us. She did not have seizures as a child, or during high school. They started in college, and came with a vengeance ... grand mal with loss of memory and consciousness and without, at first, any warning signs. It was frightening for her, her friends and, of course, her family and me (mom) particularly.

Her first seizure was on May 4, 2014, as she finished working one of her many music events. This one was at Elvis' first house, as she was producing one of her Evening at Elvis' shows (an ongoing event she co-founded while at Rhodes College). Thank goodness her friends were there, and they stayed with her at the hospital until Dan and I could get to Memphis. After spending three days in the hospital, with me sleeping on a chair in her room, she was released ... and we knew nothing more than when she went into the hospital. She came home for a few days, rested, seemed to feel fine, and we hoped it was an anomaly. I felt that maybe she wasn't eating right, studying too late, working too much ... and it maybe it had just caught up with her.

Post seizure. Her poor little head. 

But it wasn't. She continued to have seizures during that year ... at work, at home, with friends. No singular cause was found, and she was falling and injuring herself. She had a seizure one time when she was home alone and injured her head by collapsing against a wall air vent. She had another seizure at work, falling and hitting her head against an old radiator. Again and again. She was in the hospital numerous times. It was very scary, and I felt helpless. And, it changed her life. She had to visit numerous doctors (trying to diagnosis or find the correct medicine), she could no longer drive (and that is devastating for a college student), and she was scared. I was scared too, and worried about her day and night. But, I also knew she was strong and I was there for her, and we would get through this together. The diagnosis was finally, just, seizure disorder or epilepsy with no known cause. Epilepsy is an abnormal surge of electrical activity in the brain, causing temporary brain dysfunction. The doctors NEVER found any way to identify the cause. She now has a wonderful doctor in New York City, who specializes in helping young women with epilepsy.

So, there was a year of seizures, and now a year of freedom from seizures. She's shown she knows how to overcome, how to use her internal strength to move forward. She does take medicine every day, but she doesn't need to drive now that she lives in New York City. She's in a happy place. She's living her dream, a young, brilliant, beautiful and independent woman. She also remembered, later, that prior to having the seizures, she was having vertigo ... that knowledge is a blessing. Now, if she has vertigo or wakes up feeling dizzy, she knows to go back to bed to sleep it off. Take no chances.

Mary, Molly's long-time friend, and Molly in D.C.

Molly and I talk or exchange texts every single day. We are close, and even with the distance between us, we are closer. When she calls me, she always wants to Facetime, so she can see me, read my expressions, feel closer to home. When her brother, Sam, was injured and I was devastated, she called me and cried with me, for him. She was there for me and Sam, even when she had been through her own health struggles. My witty, smart, hard-working, sociable, caring, and strong daughter is such a blessing.

I've had my share of heartache and pain, and just plain fear and panic, in the past few years when it comes to my beloved children. If you are a parent, you know how much you FEEL no matter what it is that your child is doing, or what he or she is experiencing. It's a response like no other. Because of what I have been through ... I have been needed and appreciated more than ever by my children; I have been both stronger and weaker than I knew possible; I have been loved and supported by my family and friends; and I have been thankful for and dependent upon family, friends and strangers alike.

Dan, my long-time love, has been by my side throughout everything. He has never done anything but be supportive. I'm panicked and need to get to Memphis? He's driving. I'm crying every day in Portland? He brings a shoulder to cry on. I need some cheering up? He buys me a bike. And, it's not just me, it's for Sam and Molly, too. Sam and Bridget need their curtains hung? He's there, with tools in hand. Molly and friends need a night out? He picks up the tab. He's the best, and he has never shown me, Sam, Bridget or Molly nothing but love. Just a few days ago, Molly wanted to have all of her college papers retrieved from her old computer, transferred to a flash drive and sent to her. Guess who took care of it? Again, he's the best.

Karen, my dear friend and former boss (who is one of the strongest women I know) told me, after everything that happened with Sam and Molly, "Kelly, I'm sure now that there is nothing that can break you."

Maybe. Maybe not. I've felt so much love and support these past few years, and I can assure you that it's those around you who make the difference. If I didn't have the prayers, the support, the good thoughts, and the love from you all ... I'm not sure I would have survived all of this. But I did, I am, and I thank you all with much love.

Thank you for reading this blog and thinking of my sweet daughter and son.

Sometimes the Wheels of Justice Grind Slowly

In the halls of my office building, through private messaging on Facebook and on every phone call I have, my friends and family ask me, “Do they know who did this to Sam?” The answer is YES.

 When I originally talked to the detectives in Portland, they stressed to me over and over again that the criminal justice system moves very, very slowly. They said I would probably have no real resolution or movement on Sam's case until the summer of 2017. I thought that sounded ridiculous, but like most people, it had to happen to me before I believed it.

Today, summer 2017 feels about right.

But back to what I know about the person who did this to my son. Yes, they know who it is. That's about all of the information I can share at this time. Justice will not come easy as those responsible aren’t accepting responsibility. I guess they haven’t hurt me and mine enough. It's unbelievably frustrating. I've dreamed about it. I've cried about it. Somedays it's hard to think about anything else. Sam was severely injured, and those that love Sam have been through so much heartache; and yet, we still wait. 

When the time is right, and this is really behind us, I will share my feelings about "justice” with everyone. Until then, please hold on tight for me, and pray for justice for my son.

Sam is doing very well. He is reading, walking, being funny, watching Netflix, getting out and about regularly, relaxing and even recently did some volunteer work with Bridget at a local humane society. He and Bridget are passionate about pets, as you can tell with all of the photos of Weezy, their beloved dog. Bridget is finishing up her college semester and has gone back to work part-time.

Sam and Bridget were watching the "The Great British Baking Show" on Netflix and told me I would like it. I blame it on them that I spent a whole day (maybe two) binge-watching it. It's awesome. Anyway, I told Sam it has inspired me, and I might bake something. He told me to bake some "cool, unheard of stuff" for the holidays. So, I'm open to ideas my friends. Send your yummy holiday recipes my way.

I will be seeing Sam, Bridget and Molly at the end of July as we all vacation together, with extended family, in Minnesota. I can’t wait! 

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother’s Day to My Mom

Being a mother is one of those things that is difficult to explain until you have lived it. Once you have had a child, all of a sudden all of those things your mother did comes into focus. Now you understand why she worried so much, and how it was always an act of love. You suddenly understand what you meant to her. Being a mother is the most wonderful gift I have been given, and I adore my children. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for them, nothing I wouldn’t give up to make them safe and happy. And there’s nothing that can make me feel any different, it’s the same love I felt when they were born as I feel today. It’s fierce, selfless, unconditional and overwhelming. It’s happy, and it’s intimidating. It’s not always perfect, I have made mistakes and I have regrets. But, without a doubt, everything I have done has been with this parental love that defies all logic.  

And, I’m not alone. There are many mothers out there like me, and I feel your pain and your joy. We are moms together. 

One of those moms I want to recognize on this day is my own, Sandra. My mom never knew her own mother. She and her sister, Gloria, were raised by their loving grandparents after their mother died from complications related to tuberculosis ... just a few days before her 21st birthday. It’s one of those things that I have trouble understanding because I have not lived it. My mother and her sister did not have a mother in the traditional sense. My great-grandmother was a saint, and I loved her dearly … she was a grandmother to me, and a mother to my mom and her sister. But, I know, it’s still not the same. They share a history that is theirs alone. 

My mom was a young mom, then a single mom, always doing the best she could. She was fortunate because she had a loving family to help her as needed, but on most days, she was on her own. 

She’s been loving, and she's been real. She raised me to stand on my own two feet, to think independently and work hard for what I wanted. Although she wanted me to be my own person and find my own way, she has been there when I have needed her … providing money when I didn’t have a penny to my name, listening when I thought no one cared, and crying with me when I have been at my lowest in the past few months. She always brings laughter to our Christmas gatherings and the best desserts you could ever imagine. She has taken care of my stepfather during his illnesses, and worried about me during mine. She has spent countless hours researching remedies for a condition I have that is incurable (not life threatening), but she has not given up hope. 

Best of all and most of all, she’s loved me every single day, and I’m grateful she’s still here with me, young and beautiful and vibrant. I want to wish her a Happy Mother’s Day. I love you mom!

An Unexpected Gift

On any given day, I hurry past people in the grocery store or in the halls of my office building, rarely stopping to take notice or say a few words. I do not know what dreams or hopes are theirs, or what struggles they face. I’m trying to do better, and be more present as I go about my days. If I’ve learned anything in the past few months, it’s that we are all in this together, and nothing is more important than what we can do for each other. 

On Saturday, I gave myself a Mother’s Day treat and went to have a pedicure and manicure. The place was packed, and I was seated next to a group of three 30-something friends, one who was obviously close to her due date. They were laughing and having fun. I felt a little jealous, as I was there alone. I heard the expectant mom talk about her daughter, Mallory, comparing her mom experiences to another’s. As fate would have it, I was seated next to her when we were having our nails done. She noticed my chosen color, and asked, laughing, “Is that Margarita Pink? That’s my favorite.” So, we started talking. This young, beautiful mom is an inspiration; she has turned tragedy into a lesson in love. It turns out she was going to spend her evening at the “Race to Remember” — a fundraising event for Mamie’s Poppy Plates, an organization that provides support and “remembrance plates” for those who have lost a child. She is a volunteer for this organization as she has lost her own daughter, Mallory Grace, whom she spoke of so freely, at 4 years of age, just 33 days short of her 5th birthday. 

Instead of losing herself in her grief, Lynn spends her days helping others and talking about Mallory to make sure no one forgets about the gift her daughter was to all who knew and loved her. She smiles when she talks about her, and is looking forward to making sure her new baby, a boy, knows what a great big sister he had. 

That’s how I started my day. Making friends with this young mom who is making sure her life’s work honors the child she has lost. She is strong, hopeful and caring. She gave me a great gift today with her story of grace in the face of unthinkable adversity. She told me her strength comes from knowing she is not alone. I’m hoping she has a wonderful Mother’s Day. 

http://mamiespoppyplates.com/#mamies

https://lovelightsformallory.wordpress.com/

Mother’s Day

I’m happy and grateful today to be the mother of my two beautiful children, whom I love beyond reason. Sam and Molly, I love you both. You are everything to me. 

And this year, not unexpectedly, I have another “child" in my life, who is like another daughter to me, sweet Bridget. I can never thank her enough for the gift she has given me … loving and caring for my son with complete devotion. I love her, need her, and am thankful for her. 

And, finally, I’m thinking today of my friend Carl Carter who has lost his dear mom under horrific circumstances … of my long-time (and much loved) boyfriend Dan who is without his beloved mother today … and many others. You were fiercely loved by your mothers; hold onto that. 

And, I’m thinking of all of the wonderful mothers and stepmothers I know from work and family who are all doing the very best they can as they raise and love their children. I’m grateful we are all in this together. 

Happy Mother’s Day!

Hilarious AND Hopeful

Sam and Bridget are doing well. He's getting better every single day and to all of us who know and love him, it's a gift. He's one of the funniest people I know and his texts to me and his family show he is back on track. He's hilarious! He can turn any normal conversation into a comedic routine. His sister is also just like that. I always tell them that they get their sense of humor from me, and that I'm pretty darn funny, but they don't think so. For some reason, my children do not think I am funny! I don't get it. :)

Dan and I will be going to New York City soon to see our sweet Molly then on to Atlanta to visit with his brother and sister-in-law, Larry and Kay. This was a vacation planned a long time ago. Then later this summer, the whole family (my dad and stepmom's side) will be headed to Minnesota for some lake time. Sam and Bridget are excited for that trip, as I am. Bridget has a "countdown" app on her phone that tracks the days until we are all together again. That makes me happy.

Sam does have doctor visits in his future, but that's part of the healing process. He feels really good. His attitude is amazing. I am still angry that this happened, frustrated with the justice system and worried for my son. Sam is happy to be healing and hopeful about the future. I need to learn those lessons from him. Some days, I am all about letting go and moving on and on other days, I just want to wallow in the frustration and pain of the last few months. But, I need to hold on to what is good in this world and be thankful for those that make it so, but I also want to accept the reality that bad things happen to good people, and it's OK to want justice and safety for your family and community.

Recent hiking trip for Sam and Bridget. 

Many, many people have told me that Sam's recovery is a miracle. I believe that. A friend of mine told me a story recently about a friend of hers, whose son suffered a similar TBI. He is still struggling after 4 years. There are story after story like that, and when I hear of them, I pray for them and I'm sad for them. I pray for them to have the recovery that Sam has had.

I am very thankful for where Sam is today, and what the future holds for him. This is a young man that has made a difference in his world, and he will continue to do so in whatever fashion suits him. He's healthier and stronger every day, and more importantly, he is his own person, and lives each day for the experience and to gain more understanding of the world around him.

My sweet kiddos. 1997  

My children always have cared about others, whether it be people or their community. That's what makes all of this so horribly ironic. When Sam was in high school, he and his best friend, Jeffrey, spent their Saturdays (and many weeknights) coaching his sister's Upward basketball team. He and Molly joined me each year at Little Rock's Race for the Cure, cheering on those running for a cure for breast cancer. Sam volunteered where needed at our Church, the nursery ... summer Bible School ... wherever. He and Molly helped me paint the asphalt at his elementary school one year as well as plant flowers (granted, when your mom is all up in the PTA, you've been volunteered). On Molly's 8th birthday, by her own design and initiative, she asked her friends to bring a financial donation for her favorite cause at the time (Save the Rainforest) rather than gifts. I could go on and on.

Today, they have new causes and issues close to their hearts. They get the "activist" spirit from their mom, but it's their own causes that keep them going, not mine. My kids are filled with a spirit of empathy for those in need. I'm a blessed mom. This is a blessed world with them in it.

Thank you for reading my blog, and thinking of my sweet son and daughter.

Meet Josh

In the very first days after Sam's injury, a young man from Portland named Josh Billups reached out to Bridget. He's a war veteran, who has seen his share of heartache, but something about Sam's story touched him. Probably because he's an NFL fan, albeit for the 49ers rather than the Packers ... but he and Sam have something in common.

Josh.

Josh is the president and coordinates all of the events for Niner Empire Portland, an official booster club of the San Francisco 49ers, and they are legion. This isn't a group that just gets together to watch football games once in awhile, they are a community-driven and fund-raising machine. They also are a fun-loving group, welcoming all fans and friends into the fold. And, they wanted to do something for Sam, with Josh leading the charge. Josh sent an email to Bridget with no expectations that he would even hear from her. However, when the media was looking for people to interview related to Sam's story, something about Josh's earnestness made Bridget think of him.

Bridget asked him if he wouldn't mind speaking to the media about what his Niner Empire Portland was doing for Sam, and Josh, although he's not one to seek out the limelight, did it for our family. We needed help to get Sam's story out, to find those responsible, and simply to encourage people to be kind to each other. With the media in tow, Josh went on a Green Bay Packers shopping spree for Sam courtesy of Niner Empire Portland.

When I was in Portland a few weeks ago, I got to meet Josh, as he brought gifts to the hospital. He's got a heart of gold. We spent an hour or so visiting, and I felt like we were good friends when we parted. I appreciate his sensitivity to me, and his sincere efforts to do good in this world. He's the real deal.

And ... Josh shared with me some great news from the NFL world, particularly in relation to the 49ers. The team, somehow, heard about Josh and his Niner Empire Portland and what they were doing for Sam and so many others. They wanted to reward Josh and his club for this, and for all of the charitable work they do, so they reached out to Josh. The 49ers decided to film Josh's club for an episode of their show, "The Faithful."

But there's more, for the first time ever,  Portland will host an NFL youth camp. The 49ers are bringing the 49ers Youth Football Play 60 Camp to Portland this summer, the weekend of June 11 from 11 a.m. until 1:30 p.m. at Clackamas High School. It's a free camp to educate kids and parents on playing safely. When Josh shared this with me, he said, "I just wanted you to know that Sam's story is bringing some good to the community." This is exciting for Portland. It's a first for the NFL and for Portland. More information is coming soon but this is the finale of a "youth camp road show" from the 49ers. They are also trying to bring Sourdough Sam, some cheerleaders and even former players. I'm very proud of Josh and his efforts on behalf of the kids in Portland; Portland is one lucky city!

My Family
Sam, Bridget, Molly, Dan, and all the grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and close friends are so very grateful for what everyone has done. From baked goods to dinners to financial support, the gifts have been from the heart. Believe it or not, people are still contributing to the GoFundMe account. The media still reaches out, and I have a new friend named Annie at the University of California at Irvine (I answered some questions for her related to her research).  I plan on closing the GoFundMe account at the end of March, but will update friends, family and well-wishers occasionally from GoFundMe and the blog. When there is news to share, I will share it willingly through this blog. I am going going to, at this point, try to give Sam and Bridget some privacy and time to continue recovery. Know they are doing good, and Sam is very, very grateful.

Me
I coudn't be more grateful. I was in a state of despair when I started this blog, and the GoFundMe account. I was concerned for my son's health and his future. Those that have supported me, prayed for Sam, offered financial support have changed the course of my and Sam's life. You, my friends, have relieved a burden so great that it had literally brought me to my knees. It's more than I dreamed possible, and more than I deserve. I am forever grateful.

Watch for any updates from this blog. Thank you for reading this blog, and thinking of my sweet son.

Continued Healing (Update for March 14, 2016)

Sam, a year or so ago.

Sam's recovery continues. Sam had his surgery two weeks ago today, and he has felt well enough to go out occasionally, specifically when his grandparents and sister were there to visit. He tires more easily (of course), has headaches, dizziness, and other residual effects of this injury, but we are grateful for every day of healing.

His healing was helped thanks to his grandparents and sister being there. Everyone left Sam and Bridget on Tuesday, March 8, and they now have time alone again to rest and relax. Here is an up-to-date account of how Sam's been feeling the last few weeks.

Monday, Feb. 29 — Successful surgery (cranioplasty)
Tuesday, March 1 — Doing so well, he was released from the hospital into Bridget's care at home. The nurse gave Bridget and I "bandaging" lessons as Sam has to have his bandages changed every other day until the staples come out. Josh Billups from the Niner Club in Portland brought Sam a gift from the Club (I will have another blog on this later, some good news out of a tragedy).
Wednesday, March 2 — Rough day. Sam didn't feel well.
Thursday, March 3 — Sam was feeling much better. Sam, Bridget and I watched movies and relaxed.
Friday, March 4 — Grandparents arrived, and we were all happy! We walked up a few blocks from their apartment to have dinner out; it was good for Sam to get out and walk. He felt well enough, and was in a great mood.

Grandparents, Bridget, Sam and Molly.

Saturday, March 5 — Molly arrived! A big thanks to my new friend, Jennifer, for giving her a ride to Sam's apartment. She even brought food and snacks. Sam and Molly were so happy to see each other, it made me cry. My dad, stepmom, Bridget and I went shopping for a dining room table and bookshelf for their apartment so Sam and Molly hung out by themselves for awhile. They are very close, so it was good for them. We put the bookshelf together when we returned. Everybody was feeling good, Sam was doing great, so we all went to dinner.

Sam and Molly. 

Sunday, March 6 — Sam had a really busy day; the busiest day since his injury. We went out to breakfast, then took a ride to the beautiful Multhomah Falls (30 minutes outside of Portland) to take a short walk, then back to their apartment (where, with my dad directing, Bridget and I put together their new dining table and chairs). Then, out to dinner later. It was a really busy day, and Sam was very tired and had a headache. However, he was still in a great mood laughing and joking with his sister, and talking about their favorite Netflix and Amazon Prime "binge" shows. Sam, who's always been surrounded by women, has been sucked into watching American's Top Model with Bridget and Molly. Ask him anything about it.
Monday, March 7 — Sam, Molly and Bridget spent the day together. In the evening, we all went out to an early dinner and then back to Sam and Bridget's apartment. Molly spent the night with them while me and my dad and stepmom returned to our respective "hotels." It was the last evening I saw my children before I left early Tuesday morning to return to Little Rock. I cried over both of them, and Sam gave me a gift of words that I will treasure forever.
Tuesday, March 8 — Travel day for everyone. Worst scariest flight ever from Las Vegas into Little Rock through thunderstorms. I was glad to make it home and see Dan.
Wednesday, March 9 through Monday, March 14 — Sam rested and read some. He has numerous doctors' appointments coming up, including removal of the staples, and he is anxious to put those behind him.

Sam is getting better every day, but it is a process. Although he can get out and about, he tires easily. He has headaches and blurred vision. He is dizzy and is still limping occasionally. He also has unusual, vivid dreams at night. He has to be careful with his head, as anyone would be, until the staples come out this week. Having said all of that, I am thankful for continued prayers and healing. Prayers work.

One side note: I stayed in an AirBNB for the first time ever while I was in Portland. I picked it because it was less expensive than a hotel and close to where Sam and Bridget live. I discovered two things about myself, thanks to the AirBNB experience: 1) I am more high maintenance than I realized and 2) NetFlix is a great substitute for Cable TV.

Pros:

1. Quietest place ever (literally, no noise in the entire neighborhood after 8 p.m. ... not a siren, dog barking, children crying, NOTHING).
2. Clean.
3. Less expensive than a hotel.
4. Within walking distance of quaint shops and local restaurants.
5. Earth friendly. Renters are required to recycle, compost, and use specific detergents and soaps. 

Cons: 

1. No counter space in the bathroom for someone who wears makeup, uses a straightener or blow dryer, brushes their teeth, whatever. 
2. Older home, with few updates. Houses are within 6 feet of each other. I waved hello each morning to the people in the kitchen next door, or tried to hide from them, depending on how my hair was looking.
3. No TV, and I really like TV.
4. No AC, and I really like AC. 
5. Not one comfy place to sit. Not one. I don't like wooden chairs and futons for lounging.
6. There was a pre-school downstairs in the dungeon-like basement. It is a little scary/weird to have children singing through the vents to wake you up each morning. 
7. Earth friendly. Renters are required to recycle, compost, and use specific detergents and soaps. 

Thank you Mark.

I won't be blogging every day, but I will as there is news or information to report related to Sam's healing and recovery. Just know that your prayers and support are working, and I am grateful to you every day. And, a big thank you to my dear friend Mark for sending Sam (and me) a gift while I was in Portland. 

Thank you for reading this blog, and thinking of my sweet son. 

Successful Surgery (Update for March 1, 2016)

It's hard to imagine any day spent in a hospital being a good day, but that's what I am going to call yesterday. A good day and a new beginning. 

SURGERY

Sam’s 2.5 hour surgery to return his left bone flap to his skull was successful with no complications. The surgery, called a cranioplasty, is a follow up to a craniectomy, when part of the skull is removed to allow decompression (brain swelling to go down). I had previously said 14 screws were going to hold his skull in place (I’m sorry, I haven’t been thinking straight and misunderstood) but what they inserted into his skull were 6 titanium plates (very, very thin) with six pins. The incision was on top of the previous incision, and he has 55 or more staples again. Now, after the surgery, he has to wear the SCDs (sequential depression devices) on his legs to prevent blood clots. He also was a little nauseated, dizzy and suffering from blurred vision. He did get up and walk (ankle hurting again), and they changed his bandages (he didn't complain a bit although the nurse even said they were very sticky). His head was shaved again, and he now has a beard, so it's going to be a new look for him. I think I like it. 

With all that going on after his surgery, his attitude was amazing. He joked with the doctors prior to surgery (and made them laugh), and he was laughing and smiling afterwards. The relief he felt was overwhelming. He was so happy to have his skull whole again and to put this stage behind him. 

The helmet is history. I feel like Sam should put it in a case, remember it like a trophy. Proof that he beat a TBI and came out the other side stronger. 

BEFORE SURGERY

Best work family ever. 

Prior to surgery, he was nervous but visiting with the anesthesiologist and neurosurgeon calmed him down. They explained the entire process, and he felt more comfortable. His anesthesiologist, Dr. Rose, left a note under Sam’s pillow that we found later … telling him how much he enjoyed meeting him and his family, and that he wished him well. That was amazing. My co-workers sent me a picture early in the morning, all of them dressed in Sam's favorite color, and holding signs showing they were Sam Supporters. It made my cry; just so so sweet. Best work family ever.

DURING SURGERY

Bridget, Sam’s dad and I waited in the waiting room. I felt nauseated and hot, and I had a headache … I felt like I was having sympathy pains for Sam. 

The electronic surgery board. 

If you know me, you know I have very little patience, and I’m pretty sure I’m not alone because the hospital solved for this issue. Hospitals (I'm guessing it's plural) now have pagers (like when you are in a restaurant, and they give you a pager that goes off when your table is ready) that goes off when the surgery is over. The hospital pager is extra EXTRA loud. The hospital also has an electronic board. Each patient is assigned a number, and you can track the status of your loved one’s surgery on the board. Pre-op, procedure, post-op and more. It’s very efficient, and it eases your mind when you can almost see what is happening. Smart. 

AFTER SURGERY

After surgery, Dr. Grewe, his neurosurgeon, explained to us that everything went very well. He said that Sam needs 1.5 years to completely recover from this TBI. It takes time to heal from such a severe injury. He’s come so far, and we have faith that he will be completely healed in the months to come. 

He remained in recovery for almost 3 hours (that was frustrating) as they took their time to determine where he would go next. They decided to forego ICU and also a “regular room” for acute care. I was unable to see him while he was in recovery; Bridget stayed with him. When they were wheeling him down the hall to his room finally, I walked beside him. He was smiling and asked me, "What have you been doing this whole time?" I said, "Thinking about you." He's been in acute care before, and one of his sweet nurses from before, came by to say hi to him. He was in good spirits after surgery, and even talked on the phone briefly. When I left him last night, he was a little nauseated but very sleepy. He is on a clear liquid diet, and the salt tablets and fluid restrictions remain in place. 

ROUGH START YESTERDAY

Having said all that, we had a rough start yesterday. Bridget called me at 6 a.m. in a panic because the hospital had called and said they were expecting Sam for a 7:30 a.m. surgery. We had been told several times before, including on Friday, to be there by 10:30 a.m. for a 12:30 p.m. surgery. So, their mistake. They owned it and apologized for it. It all worked out, because we wanted to move on and get this surgery OVER. I’m always amazed when businesses (and a hospital is a business) know how to treat their customers. An apology goes a long way. 

PORTLAND

Our walk on Sunday.

I have a new friend in Portland. She’s the mother of one of Molly’s sorority sisters at Rhodes College in Memphis. They are from Portland, and she had reached out to me several times, and we finally got to meet last night and spent time visiting in the hospital lobby. She brought us a delicious homemade lasagna dinner, and flowers for Sam’s room. She’s even going to give Molly a ride on Saturday from the airport to me. I am so grateful. People are so good, and I’m so happy to have the opportunity to get to know Jennifer.

I’ve been staying at a little cottage, rented through AirBNB, about one mile from where Bridget and Sam rent their apartment. The house, the families, the TONS of people walking their dogs …  reminds me of Hillcrest (for those of my friends from Little Rock). I am probably not a good fit for Portland, although I love it, because my AirBNB host, told me to COMPOST garbage, and he just assumed I had some idea of how to do it. I’m just not organic enough for this place. 

Sam and me on Sunday.

All weekend, when walking to Sam and Bridget's apartment each day, I was bombarded with wind and rain. It took me much longer to walk than Sam thought it should. He kept asking me, “What are you doing?” Well, I was looking around, trying to take in the sights. There are so many people on the streets here, riding bikes, walking dogs, carrying yoga mats and driving little tiny cars. SUVs are not popular in Portland. Although it has been about 50 degrees, people are bundled up. They have beanies on, gloves, scarves, heavy coats. It’s all relative I guess. The walks have done me good, and I like the solitude. No one has spoken to me at all when I've been out. I’ve been trying to blend in, seem like a local. One trick to that, have a jacket with a hood. Don’t carry an umbrella or they will know you are not from here. A lesson from Bridget. 

On Sunday, I was supposed to be at their apartment by 8:30 a.m. but I decided to stop at Portland's version of a Mini-Mart (Plaid Pantry) and get Sam some creme soda. It’s a new obsession for him, and it’s interesting because my great grandmother used to buy me and my cousins cream soda when we were kids, and we LOVED it. I’ve never bought it, but Sam found it on his own. Sam and I took a long walk with Weezy, and hung out alone all day Sunday. We watched a movie. It was the best day I've had with him since his injury. He seemed like himself. I felt very happy. 

FINALLY

Now, Sam and Bridget can breathe again. They have been waiting and waiting for this surgery. It’s been unbelievably stressful for them to worry every second about being careful, never forgetting the helmet, thinking of every step, watching every motion. Both of them said they felt like a huge burden has been lifted. Sam will not likely need 24-hour supervision anymore. Sam said that even though he felt dizzy and nauseated and tired, it was still a great day yesterday. He was in a good mood. When I handed him some broth to drink last night, he said thank you, and then to Bridget and I, "I love you both." I told him, "I love you too, but the way I feel is bigger than those words." Parents out there, I know you get me. 

Time for the next stage in his recovery. Looking forward to complete healing. And, looking forward to a visit this coming weekend from Sam's grandparents and sister. He is excited about that. Your prayers and good thoughts are working, and he is better every day.  

Thank you for reading this blog, and thinking of my precious son.